beanbog

Today

2012-01-29T01:37:00.003+08:00

When I re-read my last post, I cringe and almost want to delete that post.. not that it isn't true, but not really relevant now.

I think this whole episode has just shown how really lonely I am..?
I've never had that best friend, that bosom friend to be one one you can call and talk/rant/cry to whenever/whatever. My clearest, earliest memory of friends is being the third is 'three's a crowd'.. I remember asking the both of them (or maybe one), to rank their favourite friend, and I was second.. after, I never had a best friend, where it was mutual.

I suppose that lost of "friendship" with him sort of exposed me to the experience of reaching that emotional intimacy with a "friend", but then after the constant ache the vacuum/hole it leaves. If you think of how often ppl say their significant other is their "best friend", you'd probably get my drift.

You're probably thinking, gosh it's been so long already and she's still not over it? Well yeah, it's been 1.5 years, and that is looong for a not-official-relationship that was only about 1-week long. But don't judge if you were not there for me as a friend for the past 1.5 years.

I'm not writing this to solicit any "awws" or concern, just FYI, and excuse my behaviour while I move on to the inevitable- being ok.

To update

2011-10-24T01:13:00.002+08:00

Hello world.

Something major happened- well sort of, and I'm suppose to update in this space so I do not forget.

So you know, I have been quite mopey for the most part of the year (what an understatement -__-)

I could not quite get out of the rut because I had no answers.. could not move on because I felt there was no clear "no", could not do what I wanted because there was a nagging doubt it was being very irresponsible, plus there was no clear 'yes' either.

Was quite a struggle, a battle within, some days I thought, what the heck, I'm gonna do it- but then bravado fails me, or reality sobers me.

So 2 weekends ago, there was leader's summit at church. At the end the pastor gave a call- something about those who want to stand with God in His plan. Anyways, the usual, those who go up will be prayed for. The pastor happens to pray for me- said something along the lines of God wants to love me like a father, and He wants to heal the wound, and then after a pause the pastor said the memories too.. then he said new thoughts, new dreams, new plans.
Woah- I knew that was God's answer.. (Now this senior pastor has not talked to me before this at all, perhaps a 'hi' months ago)
I did feel much better the days following that- yes I believe He healed me, but yes one can say 'the answer' has helped me move on.

But after a week, I think I started to feel the loneliness again, and then wondered again. I do realise I'm doing it to myself, that the more I allow myself to think these thoughts, it just undoes the work. I get confused- I ask God why do I still have feelings..However, it has been easier to control these thoughts- as it it's easier to tell myself to stop entertaining these thoughts and actually listen to that voice.

i pray that God brings healing to you too my dear sister

Toothpaste

2011-08-06T20:57:00.005+08:00

My dad gave the analogy of you can't stuff toothpaste back into the tube to illustrate how you can't take your words back.

I argued you could cut it open and stuff it back in.

But thinking about it now, if you did that the toothpaste tube wouldn't work as it did before.

I remember flashes of things I said last night, and some of these I wish I didn't say, because it's not really how I felt. Said it maybe out of pride, out of defense.

I don't know about this love thing. They say you can move on and love someone else. I can't imagine that now. But they say so.

Funny thing is the part of me that loves him doesn't want to stop loving, even for sensible reasons. It adamantly says, you love a person, and because you do, you continue to, even if there isn't a point. Love is the driving force that keeps you... loving the person. It doesn't care for rationality or sensibility.

But I guess that voice could also sound like a voice of a deranged stalker. Heh.

I don't think I want to go through this again. It's an unbeautiful thing- love dying. But perhaps after this future love deaths will be easier- that's what they say.

After all, it's all what they say.

Gong Gong

2011-07-17T01:44:00.002+08:00

I'm living with a very sweet man now.

He treats me to meals.

He leaves out food for me to eat or to bring to the office.

He does the dishes, although it's my job.

He waters the plants, although, again, it's my job.

He sees me scratching, he takes out every cream he thinks that will help stop the itch.

But best of all, he is very funny, and has a great sense of humour for someone his age. (84)

The other day he left me a note:

"Prisca I'm out with S (his daughter). Will be back tomorrow.
PS. Just to let you know so you don't think I'm missing. HAHA"

I AM A ROCKSTARR!!

2011-06-16T14:43:00.001+08:00

..because I just sent in one job application today.

*pats pats*

At the Pinnacle

2011-06-11T16:39:00.002+08:00

Living here, I realise I get bored looking at buildings after a while- they don't have that awe-inspiring captivating beauty that nature has you know? What man creates cannot compete with His creation. All the rectangular blocks and lines, with broken symmetries, so jarring against the landscape. However, architecture inspired by nature, on the other hand...

It's nice here. But I don't think I would want to live here for good. I mean, it's very central, surrounded by quaint shophouses and whatnots, one of the nicer hdbs around. There are two sky bridges, on the 50th and 26th floor, on the 26th floor there is a jogging track, 24 hours. There are quirky, interactive sculptures that make is less monotonous. I guess the nicest part is living with a family that I know. But I still prefer to have my space though.

This was such a boring post. I'm just passing the time while waiting for a friend to pick me up. These friends, whom I hang out with regularly, I realise are such good friends. I was at a church young adults retreat, and I felt like an outsider (in church for heaven's sake!), and I realise how precious it is to have people in my life whom I am comfortable with, with whom I can be myself. These are friends whom I can vulnerable with, whine and expose my weaknesses, and will listen and just accept me for who I am. So yeah! Thank God that I did not ditch them early on. (Kidding! I know they will read this.)

I can't wait for some of my good friends to come back from overseas. They are like comfort food I guess (comfort time with them sounds so weird.)
Aiyo I'm just rambling. But I guess rambles are a gem considering how little I blog these days huh?

Home

2011-05-19T00:08:00.002+08:00

I'm back at home, which means, most likely, "encouraged" to go on a detox.

So I am. After a whole (or two) semesters of barely any physical exertion and gorging myself on food because I'm stressed and procrastinating (yes eating is a form of procrastination- I tell myself I don't have two hands to do the work. yes, sigh).

It's only day one and I'm tired of it already. And I just ate durian. *Burp* HAHAHAHA. Still a fruit, no?

Been trying to apply for jobs too. Cover letters- you'll be the death of me!!! Something to simple yet such a mental Himalaya.

Things are so uncertain. If the world ended now, I wouldn't mind. :/

Breakeven

2011-05-08T01:20:00.003+08:00

I've lost something, and I can't find it anymore.

I came across this quite some time ago, and it really describes that moment when I felt the happiest I've ever been.

"For me, the height of intimacy is engaging in radically honest, vulnerable exchanges. It is about being in the moment, honest about your feelings and thoughts in the moment. When I am able to have truthful communications with people, when they respond with curiosity, when we both share and become incredibly honest I am left with such a shimmering body buzz."

(Possibly) The Last Day of School..

2011-04-16T22:57:00.006+08:00

.. but not the last day of learning.

Yep, so marks the end of my formal education, unless in the future an opportunity comes. But wow, how did I get here? I think when I was 16 I thought I can't imagine myself a 20+ year old. I also didn't imagine myself not at the top 20% of the cohort... graduating without honours.
It's all in a name I know, another year may be not such a big difference for me since I doubt I'm inclined towards research- but when you were always someone who coasted somewhere near the top in school, to not make the seemingly basic mark of 3.5.. well, I don't know- I don't exactly feel devastated and regretful, just well, a little emo. I don't feel sorry so much that I'm not able to further my studies at this point- I know I don't want to go down the research path, and although it'll look better in my CV and better my prospects of getting my foot in the door- it'll just be that- slaving away in mulch of research- just for that advantage to get to where I want to be? Or maybe it'll lead me further from where I want to be, not wanting to waste all that I (would have) slaved for in the years.
I do regret this though- the procrastinator that I've become. I don't really remember how or whether I did work/study in secondary school, which is unsettling. I've not overcome this fully yet- I am worried it'll carry into my work, my passions. I do not want it to hinder that.

So back to the last day of school- I've heard quite a few times that people regretted not taking pictures. Well, I don't feel the inclination to do so, and wonder if I'll regret not doing it. But, I do not like this institution of a school. I appreciate the lessons and experiences that came out of it, but they were bittersweet ones. It was so ironic- that last day, I had signed up for a focus group feedback session. The school is going to produce a sustainability report, and got this company that deals with corporate social responsibility to do it. So it was suppose to be 45 minutes, but they were late, and so it was 20 minutes. But even then, I doubted 45 minutes was enough to really get a thorough statement from us, the stakeholders. It was so frustrating- the moderator had to keep "moving on", and it always seem to come to the conclusion- the school is limited in what it can do to influence the behaviour of the students, so that's that- But ugh, so much of it is implicitly tied into the system, the whole bureaucracy of it. I went away so frustrated, the very same reason for my resentment being a student in that place. Yeah it may seem that I'm just complaining here- yeah it is. I wished I had the courage earlier- to question the decisions handed to me, to ask for alternatives when none were given. To challenge, unafraid of the repercussions. Through no fault of anyone, I wished the climate there was one where I was given courage to take action. Well it's not just this school, it's most of the country, most of the world..

But that's for most of us, for most of our lives right? Even as God's children, most of us, myself included, are sitting on our hands. Out of fear, apathy, or just plain couldn't-care-less. I think I'm of the former. I escape, I dwell in the world of entertainment- haha this is turning into a rant against the "subjugation of the Man" though the use of TV/Hollywood etc. Yeah but it is. One thing that struck me most from C. S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters- the best way the devil gets us- make us complacent, make us think we're doing okay.

Yeah I'm scared that I'm more comfortable complacent. I'm also scared of having to take action- sometimes I tell myself "You don't have to do this. You can find a normal job, but find a husband who'll provide everything for you (and forever live with having submitted to that patriarchal dictum. haha) so that you can quit it to have kids, retire, then die. Yeah all while being a Christian, it's ok! Yeah, well, God may just spit me out for being lukewarm." Not that I'm afraid of that, that's not why I feel compelled to get up and do something. It's a conviction, that I am here not for myself, but to be Christ's hands and feet in making things better in this world, while some of us are here, anyways. You know, climate change is so depressing, (we are tracking worse than the worse case scenario predicted), and you sometimes may watch TED videos or a glimmer of alturism and be inspired, but pooh pooh when you take a look around- I don't have hope in humanity, I can't find it. In a way, my last resort? Hope in Christ.
Honestly, you want to know something? I don't think what I want to do is going to change the larger schemes of things for the better. Hmm, from my perhaps myopic knowledge after listening to climate change experts, HAHAHAHA, sorry it's probably gonna be game over, not because the current rate is irreparable, but just human greed, the leaders will probably never get their act together, even if they are subverted by the masses,... SIGH. I was gonna continue on and say it won't work blah blah.. Ok I'm being too pessimistic. I mean look back at Martin Luther King Jr! Yes, most of us agree on the basics- equality for all. (At least according to some lovely videos where you get the feeling of a collective global yearning for good after watching it.)
I'm gonna stop my ramble here. I probably have to change my current thinking, yeah...
But in the meantime, I will try to do something, because it'll be worse to not have effected any change at all, no matter how small. :/

Edit//
Lol, sorry about the TIRADE! Got a bit caught up in the spur of the moment. But I hope they aren't just moments. :/ Anyways...
While I was walking on campus on that Friday, I was thinking, I went in NUS thinking this must be the place for me, especially after finding out they started the joint minor in env bio, and then later on the "renamed" specialisation of env bio. But I never made it to any of that, because of my cap. Yeah, we don't fulfill His will sometimes. But was it His will? It does seem like the best thing, but that's what my human mind makes sense of...
Anyways, if I had done the one year in Toronto for the joint-minor, I wouldn't have went for the SECOND summer programme to Mexico. I wouldn't have met the people I've met, especially *ahem* a particular person. But you could argue that hey, what you don't know, you wouldn't miss. I would probably have met another bunch of people in my alternate experience. But whatever, I am thankful for the experience, well, that I experienced. So perhaps, you might not fall into God's plan, but God can make good of the situation you got yourself into. Even when we've failed, He will be compassionate and deliver us, provided we turn to Him of course. Oh yeah, that's how He loves us. :)

ADAM

2011-04-13T13:21:00.000+08:00

Definitely something I'll put down under one of those "Favourite Movies"thingy in your bio.
The story is sweet, tries to be realistic with the not-so-happy ending, and the soundtrack is goood.

Last Lap

2011-04-12T22:44:00.002+08:00

Yeah last lap in the swimming pool, then out into the wide open sea. Metaphorically, do I have to explain it to you? And I don't even swim. (Last sentence doesn't make sense, but it's funny.Arrr..)

I just finished with the last of the internal deadlines and CAs.. the last was my oral defense of my urops paper with a prof, who also happens my academic advisor, with which I sort of had an awkward run-in on the bus. Well, it wasn't exactly a slaughter cos I knew where my paper failed. Actually most of it, but it's suppose to be trial and ERROR right? Sigh.

So 2 more weeks to my final paper, and the end is on the May 3rd! Well they'll be job applications to do too..but oh well.

They're so many uncertain possibilities as to what to do next, so up in the air, but at least they're possibilities..

Oh something I can write here to further embarrass myself.
So I watched this video- http://vimeo.com/14345399
I was so inspired by these youths- i mean some of them devoting their life for this cause.. then ARGH I went and emailed my prof for my global change in biology class to ask if it's possible to share it with the class. I shall reproduce it here to forever remind myself of my naive folly- ok, no I'm kidding. I think the lesson here is to stand by my decisions and not be ashamed of my passions! Right? right right. huh. Well here it is:

Dear Dr Z,

this is quite atypical of me to do something like this but I believe this video deserves to be passed on.

The video- An Inconvenient Youth (http://vimeo.com/22092047) is a short glimpse into some of movements by youths at the UN Climate Change Conference at Cancun, Mexico. As a youth (and I'm sure you identify as well ;), it's heartening and encouraging to see young people willing to go the mile to achieve that difference, elusive as it seems. For someone like me who is continually daunted by the lack of prospects of conservation work in Singapore, this video has made me realise it is worth the effort striving for what I'm passionate about. (Do pardon the cheesiness but it is from the heart!)

I'm wondering if you forward the link to the LSMXXXX class, but of course as you see fit.

Thank you!

Well, see you after the exams are over!:)

The past few months

2011-04-03T14:24:00.000+08:00

How He Loves - John Mark McMillan
background

One the menu tonight: Spare tires!

2011-02-26T20:48:00.004+08:00

About the title, no I'm not trying to diet or anything. Yes, I seem more than 5 months pregnant and it bothers me, but I try not to be the kind that worries about my weight/figure ALL THE TIME and not enjoy food. But I had eaten a huge meal for tea (first meal of the day) and am still full from all the snacking.

Following up from the last post. You want what you don't have, and when you get it, you want what you didn't have before? After that day, I had a dinner arranged every night after, and some days I really wished I hadn't arranged it. But they all turn out fun nonetheless.

Like Tuesday- was actually really lazy to leave the house, but S was adamant to check out ToTT. Hmm well the food wasn't spectacular, but the chef was cute (haha), and the durian tempura warrant a second visit. (But with specific instructions- serve it piping hot!) We went to Mustafa Centre after that. Best ideas of all times when there's not much to do late at night. But was disappointed. It was all shiny and new. Sort of. I was imagined it to be dingy but full of treasures like old uncle white shirts, indian tea leaves, casio watches... hmm but what i saw were stuff like shiny electronic appliance, nautica clothes, godiva chocolates amongst the common goods. BUT I MUST SAY THEY HAVE VARIETY. It still sorta looks like a malaysian Giant. It's a grocery shopper's dream. Like somewhere in between Fairprice and Coldstorage but more than you could imagine. Sigh. Too bad I do not own a car nor live right nearby.

It's gonna be March. Graduation hurry up but assignments finish fast too.

Dinner Tonight

2011-02-22T19:41:00.003+08:00

I find myself in quite a few times in a situation like this-

It's usually when I've been alone for quite a few hours doing, or having to do work, and I want some company to eat with. And almost every time, everyone I text is not up for it, since it's so last minute.

But they're only a handfew (sadly?), because there aren't many people I want to eat with that are free or I feel close enough to just call out for a dinner.

A small urge tells me I should just try going out to eat alone. Hmm..:)
Alas so far, my guts have not been tightened enough by hunger to support me in this endeavor.

Sigh, it does feel lonely. I wish I had someone who could be spontaneous enough and both of us not get sick of each other (if it happen often enough) to do this. At least be free 70% of the time. And love to eat. :)

Also, am I not thinking of other people in my life that could be potential meal-mates? Or do I need to make more friends? ;)

//
There's too many people in my apt now. Maybe it's because we're all sleeping in the lounge now cos the room ceilings have been repainted. There's no room to go to to hideway, no privacy. I cannot imagine living in a one-room flat, having to constantly be in someone else's presence.

Thinking of that, I don't know if I want to continue on in this ministry apartment after I graduate. I want to come back to a place where it's quiet, but the picture in mind is a nice apartment, you know the soft lit-ed modern apartments with the twinkling city lights in the window. But most realistically if I move out I will be renting a room in a HDB apt, sharing with a strange family or worse, strange people.

But even if I have my own place, will I end up longing for company? Hmmm, i think if I'm fed nice meals(by myself), I'll be okay in my solitude. :)

What is a Trader? - RightNow.org

2011-02-07T10:10:00.001+08:00

This became more crystallized for me after going to Nepal.

How I heart her

2011-01-20T21:40:00.004+08:00

From my mexican mama:

Pris, así es la vida, si tus padres no quieren que tengas un novio que no es cristiano,debes respetar sus ideas y poco a poco tal vez cambien de opinión, tu sabes que no es fácil para los padres cambiar algunas costumbres pero se que al final encontraras una persona que te quiera y tu serás muy feliz, o recuerda que hay que esperar solo el tiempo dice lo que va a pasar. Te mando un abrazo muy fuerte y no estés triste que las niñas bonitas como tu deben estar siempre alegres. Besos. Bye

There has been times when I was deep in the pits and then I get a facebook message from her. I never told her what was happening, cos it was too complicated in spanish and google translate might screw it up. But I finally did, and this has been a little balm to my soul.

Google FTW

2011-01-16T23:47:00.002+08:00

Wow, the internet has advice for almost everything, even how to get over your first love.

Sigh, life.

Feeling lonely

2011-01-09T23:53:00.002+08:00

I see a trend...

I feel extremely lonely when I am at the 13th hour, still trying to do what I'm suppose to do, but not.

I feel the pits, and that doesn't spur me to do my work.

How to stop being lonely? Easy right, just do your work.

Easy peasy.

//Edit//

I also get extremely lonely when I'm PMS-ing. Like now.

Every Year

2011-01-02T00:58:00.002+08:00

I've been reading my blogs and diaries to try to grasp what happen in the first half of the year. With the semester system, the first half of the year seemed like eons ago.

Anyways, I realised it's better to blog more so I sort of know what happened, easy for reflections (most I'm made to do- I don't do stuff like this- I'm a free spirit, y'know).

I think I've switched to being the New Year's Grinch. (Last time I was miss anti-valentine. Oh those days.) I don't get why we should compartmentalise time into years. Happy New Year- hmmm... wishing someone bestows no power on their lives that will make the new year a happy one. Well I don't know, people seem to think the new year is a new chance to start over, but welllllllllllll...............

Ok I'll stop- don't really have a case there.

//

It's finally here. I'm gonna have to be an adult- have a job, support myself. It's really scary. Sigh.

The thing about fund raising

2010-11-25T02:44:00.003+08:00

I have been so nervous about approaching people for contributions for my Nepal trip. (We decided to raise funds for the entire cost of the trip, rather than paying out from our parents' pockets.)

I kept asking many people how do you go about doing it, what should the attitude towards it be. Like you trust God but then how much should you do... etc etc.

I was super sensitive about it, very very paiseh. For example after sending out emails to people whom I thought would be the least offended by it, I realise I forgot to add an important detail about transferring money. Argh! Why did it have to be about the money! So I CRINGINGLY sent out the missing info.

Just, I realise I shouldn't be having that kind of fear when asking! I mean if I trust God, the money is coming from Him, not these people! I am not beholden to them, and that's where are the fear is from, that it depends on them, it depends on me asking people, how I do it, who I ask...

Right now, I'm experiencing something that makes me not worry about the money anymore! I'm cautious about it, but it's pretty exciting!!

:))

I think...

2010-11-22T22:30:00.003+08:00

... the pain has stopped.

Sort of feels like the wound has healed. *double check* No not in a numbed way. Feels.. healed, I don't know how to say it otherwise. The hold of the memories on me are fading too.

How long did it take? I don't know when to start counting.. when did the pain begin? 3 months?

Now it's just stepping out of this place I've been too long.

(Thank you for those who prayed- the emotional healing really feels supernatural, so I'm attributing it to a higher power rather than it being a natural progression.)

Love

2010-11-16T03:13:00.002+08:00

I wonder when the day comes, will I look back and say,

"You shouldn't have wasted all those tears."

Note to self: home-cooked doesn't mean healthy all the time

2010-11-02T12:44:00.002+08:00

I just clogged my arteries. Or added the girth to them fat cells. Urrrghh.

My mom gave me some salmon. So I thought I'd make some salmon cream pasta! (pasta again.. yes..)

So, without looking at any recipes, I went and bought some full cream (200ml) and streaky bacon (100gm). I also bought some pathetic tiny little scallops to make my pasta more seafoody.

So, I used up all of my garlic soaked in olive oil, abt 2 tbsps, browned the bacon, added the salmon, then the lime infused scallops (cos mom says sometimes it maybe alkaliney. But seafood goes well with lemon/lime, no?)
Then I added some thyme (it smelled like it would go well with salmon cream) and lots of black pepper. Then I tossed it all the cream. At first I thought it was too thick, but it was just nice- the consistency. But later I find that it is a bit too jelak (rich), but if I had used whipping cream like my sister does it would come out too watery. :/

Oh I also tossed in a handful of shredded cheddar cheese (wrong move- it added to the jelakness and made the sauce thicker), and some blue-cheesy like cheese sister gave.
All in all, the bacon already gave it it's taste so should have skipped the cheddar. The blue cheesey cheese is a nice additional layer to the flavour though.

Ergh, but I feel so oily now. Thank goodness I did not use butter to fry the salmon. I would have dropped dead by now.

To be taken care of

2010-10-29T17:09:00.002+08:00

My parents and elder sister just left. It was a harried goodbye, cos I was rushing an assignment.

Afterwards I cried, heart-wrenching sobs. I normally don't cry, just sad. No matter how stressed I feel with them around, answering them rudely, after they're gone I'm sad.

I feel like these tears came 6 years too late, like they were suppose to be cried back in the hostel when I first came to Singapore. I was always surprised I didn't have homesickness then.

I think I still need to be taken care of. Sob.
(No matter how much I resent some aspects of it- in terms of studies and health)

Or maybe I'm in a fragile state now. And need some loving. Sob.

The Little Things in Life

2010-10-25T21:30:00.002+08:00

This evening I got an sms from an unknown number:

"Ahem auntie isn't somebody suppose to SMS some one else the juicy steak mon and wed (in the sec 1 cluster we began to call the homework juicy steak so it'll be more appetising. Some of the kids are so enthu that they remind the leaders to remind them haha)

Me: Haha the auntie who is suppose to do it is auntie amanda (my fellow teenage cell leader!Holler!Haha) Who's this btw?

Him: Oh ya Hor u da Ahma and I am Ryan Ong. So I test u wat is our juicy steak

Me: U test me?? Haha actually I'm not sure. The next chap of the book and read the whole of acts?

Him: Ai yo u ah it's acts 1-11:18 bui ta han

Me: U bui ta han me this sun I give you test on acts!! Muahahaha so free right got all the time in the world (they're on hol now)
.. Be ready ah!

Him: Ok lor

(1 min later)

Don underestimate my earth shaking powers (He's nicknamed Earth Shaker cos he's one of the cuter chubbier boys around:))

Me: Lol!

This came in a time when I was at a breaking point. I don't know if it was God's indirect way of helping me through this, but it helped, and tomorrow will be better.

Sometimes these little things that remind you there are other things that's in your life.

Mark 6:5

2010-10-20T10:25:00.003+08:00

Reading today's devotion passage, I came across one of those "troubling" verses:

5He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 6And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

Mark 6:5

First impressions is that faith seems to be a prerequisite for God to act. So in a way He is limited by how much faith we have. Troubling because faith is hard to cultivate. Well, for me now. (Sidenote: and I kind of want to see Him act first before putting my faith in him, which is contrary to the meaning of faith I know, but I believe He still can act first.. but if according to this verse, it means He can't.)

So I googled it. And came across this post (thank God for people who diligently write out their devotional thoughts!)
Regarding that verse, it says this:

“God’s power is unlimited, but its expression is correlated with the response of faith. An imperfect but helpful analogy is provided by human relationships; love, to be fully experienced, must be returned”

But that still implies God has acted first, well, we know He has- dying on the cross. But that's hard to respond in faith I suppose when you don't see/believe it in the first place. Faith- "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
I'm not sure nor certain... so how?

Because life doesn't get any easier

2010-10-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

I wish I was stronger

Bustop

2010-10-05T16:40:00.002+08:00

I suppose since I don't talk to strangers much, it happens more overseas, and it's a nice thing, associated with being overseas but basically just getting to know someone in an unforced way

So today as I approached the bus stop, I saw this young girl. Immediate thoughts, hmm look at the curvature of her back, slouching- oops do I look that "round" when I slouch".. She had some clay mixture smeared on her cheeks, so that was interesting. Other than that, she just had the pre-teen tight garb, with a barbie doll bag and a pink file.

I sat next to her, and after some time, I heard her say "Myanmarese?" (Of course when I first heard it I had to idea) At first I thought she was just talking to herself cos it didn't make sense to me.. She said it a few times, and after I turned to look at her.. At first I still didn't get it. I jsut shook my head like I didn't understand her foreign tongue. She took it as a no, then she asked, "Singaporean?" Oh now I get it. I said "Malaysian"..

*edit*
I met an 11-year-old girl at the bus stop. She's a mix of burmese pakistani. Her mom speaks myanmarese and english. Dad english, pakistani and myanmarese. She speaks english, myanmarese and a bit of pakistani. Her dad is a punjabi garb seller at paya lebar. Her mom works at jurong east. They stay in Tampines. She goes to school everyday. She's the only child and doesn't wish for a sibling. That's all.

Prejudice

2010-10-04T13:57:00.002+08:00

I now have establish a grudge against girls who care too much about the way they look, and especially if they paint their nails periodically. That you can never entirely rely on them to do proper work)

(hmm that is quite a large population.)

Uncle Ma Wo （骂我）

2010-09-30T16:14:00.002+08:00

(Was just about to type and realise I had to switch the language back to english after typing the chinese characters in the title. And for a moment I thought I should try writing this post in Chinese but all I could think was in broken Chinese. Sad how 6 years of Chinese have sort of gone down the drain, same for Malay, German, and maybe now Spanish. :/)

Anyways, today's Interpersonal Communication and Effectiveness tutorial (which I dread every week, cos it's such a time waster, I mean forced conversation, with transitory interactions- see I learnt that in this module, "transitory", how meaningful can it get?)

Today one of the exercises was on anger. What makes you angry? Well, injustice in all forms. Against me, against other people. Primarily against me.

(Sidenote: is there a distinction between irritation, frustration and anger? Perhaps they are just degrees of a negative emotion, but are you more "saintly" if you never get angry, just irritated? Or you just have the maturity, to be more accepting..?)

I really identified with this:

"Being overlooked is a really big issue for introverts," Laney says. Introverts are unlikely to repeat themselves; they will not risk making the same mistake twice.

from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201008/revenge-the-introvert?page=4

If I feel like I was misunderstood, wrongly accused, or ignored (I perceive this as you look down on me), I get really hot and bothered. Yesterday I had this dream, I was trying to tell my mom something, it was really something not that important, but she was just not listening to me, and I was soo frustrated, screaming in my head, "LISTEN TO ME!! LISTEN TO ME!!" (But mom, don't take it as I feel you don't listen, sometimes I don't tell you for what you'll judge me of it)

Anyways, I can get mad, and being non-confrontational, I probably won't let the person know directly, and if it matters enough, I'll try to rationalize the situation, such that there won't be a reason for me to be mad, eg the person doesn't mean it that way, just a misunderstanding on their part... Sometimes I do it when I feel helpless, and so it's a waste of my emotions right, so when I can't do anything, I have to convince myself not to be in that negative health-damaging state. Sometimes I do it if I care enough about my relationship with that person, so as to not hold a grudge. Or if I have to be in a relationship with that person due to circumstances...:/

After class, walking along the corridor I passed a guy from my old school. I pointedly ignored him although he saw that I glanced at his face. Wow I really can hold a grudge. Well this guy, his personality is nothing to be excited about, the cocky type that carries himself with too much self-importance. But he never really invaded my sphere of caring. But there was once, when we were both involved in organizing some event, and just because I was busy with my EE and not hanging around, he assumed that I was cutting slack. I was indignant. That's it, one of the easiest things for me to get fired up. When I feel INDIGNANT. I had done my responsibilities, and it was behind the scenes so obviously..
I felt bad for ignoring him. Not Christlike huh?

Speaking of Christlike, lately I've sort of have this crisis of faith. Like I've been brought up as a Christian, and by faith have chosen to believe in God. But was wondering how much of that decision was influenced by what has been ingrained in me?
I wonder what it'll be like to do whatever I want. Not having to do the "right" thing. I suppose there'll be a lot of unwanted repercussions, eg ignoring every person that offends you and becoming a shrunken old lady full of hate. Not going for Christian-related activites and not having support.. Aiyah basically no one can do what they want and not suffer for it. But am just frustrated why God says there is freedom in Christ, and yet I feel like I always am compelled to do the things He wants me to do. Where is the joy and desire to do what pleases Him? Why do I always feel it's my fault that's not happening for me?

Anyways, the title referred to the incident after ignoring that boy. I was going to take a bus to somewhere, but had to run a little to hail the bus as the doors were already closing. The driver re-opened and let me on but gruffly said in Chinese something like "the doors already closing lah!". I told myself not to be affected, after all, I'm not at fault, and yes can understand if you have students like that doing that all the time you'll never leave the bus stop.." But I was still affected. Granted later he did some things that showed me he was kind of an asshole, but the point is, I was affected. I was thinking of it the whole way. That's the worse part, that I'm so sensitive that little things like that can affect me so easily. So sensitive. I loathe this about myself.

I don't know why I decided to write about the above, maybe it's the caffeine that killing me (feels like I'm on a speeding train that I can't get off, like you're tired yet you're buzzing and coffee gives me tension in my neck), feeling lousy, and lost- lost that why is the everything so complicated. You want to help people but there's always a lot of things you can't see and the answer is not always so straightforward. Better to be ignorant about the social, political, ecological factors that intertwine and complicate? I know it's not suppose to make me feel helpless, but it's just so overwhelming. And then you have petty problems about your own personal life.
And it's hard to find purpose and meaning when you don't have this supreme being which you can be assured of has everything in control.

On Solitude

2010-09-29T21:47:00.002+08:00

Came across these two items on solitude in this week. Lately, I have dreaded solitude. I guess I need to make peace with myself, in more aspects than one.

http://stevemccurry.wordpress.com/2010/09/17/solitude-the-power-of-one/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded

Mexico

2010-06-03T09:52:00.002+08:00

I've given up trying to journal by hand. My scrawl is well, ugly and i and it's too slow for the thoughts to flow out fast enough.

But then I'm not so inclined to pour everything out here. Aaah, it's kinda too hot to blog.

Well, today I went for salsa class despite a lot of cons, and it turned out to be fun. Although I look like an Ent trying to square dance. To move my hips my bark may just crack. But it's fun. I think I'm gonna go next week.
*side note: I think it's good to test waters by dancing with a potential boyfriend. To find out if he has sweaty palms. I don't think I could ever date a guy with sweaty palms. :/

Then I took the bus back by myself. Quite interesting. Manage to get off my stop. Buses here seem to stop anywhere you want them to. Mexico may seem a little sinister, but I think it's just paranoia and my side.

Will blog again more.

I Like Myself Better

2010-04-20T22:58:00.002+08:00

I was *harrumpph* procrastinating, randomly ended up at my blog, read through some of the past posts.

I kinda stopped blogging well, time, privacy, what some ppl might think.

But you know, I really liked the blogger back then, writing stupid things, but things i'll want to be reminded of in the future.
:)

so yes, will start blogging again.

Now biggest concern, besides exams (but that's not new huh), is mexico. Mexico mexico mexico. Biggest headache now is settling/finding ppl to travel with after the summer programme. I have time to travel, so keen to spend 10 days traveling. So many amazing places to see. See for yourself. Click on the links.
But many are not keen to stay so long, budget, safety. But I don't think I'll go back anytime soon.. I think? Who knows, maybe I'll fall in love. (I didn't with Vietnam. :/)

Sometimes I wish I were a guy. Can go backpacking by myself. Don't have to be bogged down by other ppl's wants and nots.

Anyways, if you listen to sigur ros, well, even if you don't, check out the trailer for their tour documentary.

Jing borrowed this from the library, I was surprised that she listens to sigur ros. But turns out she just thought it was interesting.
But oh man, the scenery. And bam it hits you, that music like this is meant to be played outside, to the hills and the plains. It's as if inspiration of the music came from the landscape of Iceland.

I want to go there. Uh oh, I think I've been bit by the travel bug.

The Best is Yet to be

2010-04-14T18:19:00.003+08:00

It has been the hardest 3 weeks. Yet.
I know they'll be worse workloads than this, but *shakes head* this isn't life as it should be. I can't seem to be relieved and praise God He's brought me through- cos on my part I wasn't working the best I could.
2 group projects, 2 prac reports, 2 tests (20% and 60%). One day I will look back and scoff, I doubt I'll laugh.
The group projects are the most time consuming. Actually just one of them. It has been hard cos it has been deadline bearing down after deadline. And planning for my summer programme.
There *were* breaks in between, but they are wisps of smoke, can't recall them now, their effects.. were they effective?

I guess it's the long lonely walks to the bus stop to catch 151 from the library (can't bother to wait for the shuttle bus- at that time it's half an hour intervals) that just seem to encompass my state of being at this point of time. The little laughs excitement in between gets swallowed in that enormous gaping vortex of- FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE THINGS.
yes yes pessimism here we go again. But I'd rather side with him and sulk in the corner if you don't mind.

Updates

2010-03-07T23:49:00.004+08:00

Eh the dearth of proper posts- this gets relegated to the last in queue, work and procrastination comes first. This is not necessarily good.

1. Coming to stay here in the Nav apartment has been good. Last sem there were a few struggles- with commitments and studies. It also coincided with having Jennifer as my mentor- both were positive pressures to do QT. Now i'm doing it almost daily- except on Saturdays and Sundays when things aren't as regimented and I forget. But the regular QTs have helped our relationship- I'm not so indifferent about Him and not so lost as well. More love and trust. eh:)

2. Floorball. Hmm early this year was the competition. Due to lack of belief in myself- i thought no chance of me getting into the team. Well surprise surprise- i did. But as a reserve. But coach saw that I had it in me, just that there wasn't enough time for me to reach that level to play. But it was a journey of believing in myself, perseverance, thinking about my purpose being in the team. It led to me thinking of the team. It's not just some sports team that strives to win. That is not about winning, being the best player so you won't be ignored... And almost made me feel that I have to influence them- with Christ in mind. My friend wanted to quit the team cos it could give her nothing anymore- she would be graduating, probably wouldn't make it to be a player on court the next season- it would just take up her time. But that's not team spirit. Sigh- it's practical- but selfish as well.
But the idealism has died down a bit- maybe the lull of post-competition trainings. Maybe seeing the same nonconstructive behaviour from the seniors. And also that I don't have the additional time and effort to give.

3. Cos there's other commitments to worry/think/focus on.

*edit*
The above has been in drafts for a while. I didn't feel like going on. More complaining. More pessimism. I'm not like that all the time. Well, most of the time. But there's a lot of laughter nowadays. My new housemate- she's a blessing. She small, older than me, goes crazy over kiddy movies, yet can be wise other times.

She always goes, "You save my life again" or "You're amazing" when I cook dinner/lunch/make yoghurt for breakfast. I squirm and cringe at her hyperboles, but she does mean it- although not to that literal degree(?), but I'm slowly beginning to trust she doesn't do it to dig for compliments or make herself feel inferior. (some ppl with low self-esteem do that). She says "I miss you" after not seeing me for a few hours, or 'I love you" once in a while. Well I'm a say-it-only-when-you-really-really-mean-it-and-the-magnitude-pushes-you-past-the-embarassment-to-say-it kind of girl. And you know, love, that word, hard to mean, hard to promise.
But for her, of course I don't think she loves me like how some ppl love me, but still, she's an affirmer i guess.
Doesn't hurt to live with someone who builds you up. Oh and she gives random shoulder massages once in a while. :)

Of course it's not a breeze all the time, but majorly (I'm tired and I want to express myself), she's great fun.

That day she was telling a joke that wasn't particularly funny.
"This man heard a young couple saying to each other, "Would you pass me the sugar, honey?" and "Honey, would you pass me the sugar?". He went back to his wife and said, "Pass me the bacon, pig."
So she was thinking what else can you say, and we were having cheese (yes practically every meal I make involves adding cheese in the end to liven it up), so I said, "Pass me the cheese, cow." And she and another guest laughed and laughed and laughed. I didn't feel it was particularly funny but it felt good I guess that they're so tickled.
The other day she was retelling the story to the staff (Jing) that stays with us, and she kept laughing non-stop again.
But she thought of a good one: "Pass me the balut, duck."

LOL.

PS. it's really funny to me cos the other day we were looking at the bus timetable and she had 10 mins to get to the bus stop. You see, our intersection is evil. You'll see the bus at the traffic light, so you'll have to run to the bus stop (a good 100metres away) to make sure you'll catch it. Soooo embarrasing to have the whole bus see you run- worse if you don't reach in time)
So anyways, after a while I get a sms from her, "I run for the bus like a duck."

If you're wondering why her english is a bit weird, she's vietnamese.

Surreal

2010-02-25T17:24:00.004+08:00

aftermath of experimental microbiology test... *click to enlarge*

Edit:
More microbiology humour

Hi!

2009-11-25T18:47:00.005+08:00

oyful. Exams is shitty, was feeling very depressed while studying cos I'm always not on top of things. Can't remember what we were talking about, but A said if it's not exams, I'll be down about something else. Hmm I realise it's kinda true. But just lately studies have been a bane, and it gets me down. I hate it, it affects interaction with others. People don't like a negative person.

So I asked God, explicitly, haha, to make me happy. The Word tells us to be joyful and all, but most of the times its hard to force it to well up in one's soul. Especially sensitive souls that get affected so easily.

Yesterday, even after a bad paper.. could-have-would-have kind of thing, i was still feeling pretty ok, and it definitely is attributed to Him cos normally I would be in a sinkhole, esp it being a module I like and want to do well for. Ah.. I was glad that I was back at pine (been staying over at A's to study), and can go for a run. The run was good, after that I was even in a better mood to study, wasn't feeling tired and all.

It's not rainbows and care bears, but it's better. An improvement. That's something right?

(Initial cap from Daily Drop Cap)

Wow! Finally something neutral to post about

2009-11-11T19:10:00.003+08:00

Today was the last of all the internal assessments.. tests, essays, reports, oral presentations.

Today was my oral presentation for my evolution module. They call it the oral confrontation component, sounds intimidating right? It can be, for some. Like this guy, he presented on the hypothesis that hermit crabs evolved from king crabs, and got almost totally killed by the panel cos one of them I postulate is a prof that specialises in crustaceans.. or maybe just that nus has a lot of research on crabs, so a lot of them are familiar with them. Oh man, and at first, I thought his presentation was sound. But one of the TAs pointed out his logic was flawed. So everything down the drain.

I presentated on PMS. Yeah haha. Thank God. I really did ask Him for a topic.. I borrowed a whole lot of books from the library (Adam's curse, the evolutionary biology of human female sexuality, "love of shopping" is not a gene, evolution and the BIG questions..) But in the end I chose PMS cos I WAS PMS-ing.

I realised that I was more irritable the past few days, esp with my roommate:( And pimples, and yesterday during training I was feeling so so shitty. Then played badly which caused my mood to dip even more.

Anyways, I well googled PMS and luckily wikipedia gave some possible evolutionary explanations for pms. Yup.. I think overall my presentation is ok, i could answer the questions.. Although i think if you think hard enough, the hypothesis that i presented is prob not that sound. Basically this guy says that PMS is a by-product of the "high" state you get when you're ovulating- when the highest chance of fertilisation happens. What this "high" state is basically how women feel at that time, increased sexual drive, you pay more attention to guys, flirt more, go to clubs more (yes this was substantiated by a paper!) really interesting. Basically it's so to get a mate lah.
So after ovulation is done, you feel relatively worse after the high. Like how you have to crash after a sugar high? something like that. So you're feeling the inverse of how you felt after the high, antisocial, less attractive, depressed. He also goes on to explain why not all women experience pms..

basically he's saying maybe if we look at this reason for why we have pms, we could find out the actual cause of pms, by finding out what causes the woman to behave in that "high" during ovulation.

my problem was that what about concealed ovulation, which is almost the opposite, you hide when you're ovulating so your mate will stay with you cos he can't guess when you're fertile, so he'll just keep copulating with you to maximise his chances. If he knew when you were ovulating, he would run around mating with females in their fertile phase. And you want to keep him by your side because in the past women cannot bring up a child by herself.. but now we can, just that evolution hasn't caught up yet.

So evolution can be pretty interesting.. it can explain why women live longer, men tend to stray.. sounds really immoral cause the life's ultimate aim- so says evolution- is to maximise the relative frequencies of your gene being passed down.

But deep down, i think there's something not right.. I haven't had the time to read and think about it, but i sometimes think evolution is making a lot of assumptions when it hypothesizes within its paradigm, ie everyone just want to propagate their genes, although the evo camp claims intelligent design/creationism has more assumptions.

Ah well, it's so stimulating that if i do make it to honours i'll might look into specialising in evolution. But the research isn't that interesting.. hm..

Oh and i came back and cooked. I decided to make baked pasta. I had fish, pasta and cheese. Wala! Wanted to use my housemate's canned mushroom soup, but decided against it as it's too much for one person. So i used what's left of the pesto, which isn't a lot, so i hope the pasta didn't dry out. I semi-fried the fish with coconut oil my mom gave, with onions and garlic. Then i mixed it with the pasta and pesto, added some lovely black olives, sprinkled cheddar cheese, and more garlic for that garlic bread effect? HAHa actually i have to fullfill my garlic intake, sort of. Ok it's done now going to eat it!

*edit*
kinda proud of myself, so must share! (btw, i'm discovering the power of onion and garlic.. no wonder almost all dishes cooked my mom always sautees onion and garlic first)

Relak Day

2009-08-09T20:42:00.002+08:00

I'm glad there's nowhere to go tonight, just listening to Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
I'm glad there's no school tomorrow, so I don't have that nagging dreading feeling on my back.

Just watch the National Day Parade. First time. And first time as a PR! I probably won't go back to Malaysia to live, because to me KL is dirty, claustrophobic, messy, inconvenient, traffic. :/ What others appreciate about it, maybe the mamak stalls (I never went to it, don't like it-dirty), shopping? (hmm don't like seeing the prices in larger numbers heh). What else? Home is there, but to me home is where family is. Anyways, the location of my house is no longer nice, houses mushrooming up everywhere. Even on the small plot where I buried my tortoise:(

This week was really sweet besides floorball trainings. Monday was suppose to be a meet-up with IB friends, but - even as I type this I'm still quite awed/surprised/touched by what they did.
I'm 21 this year. I knew i'd be in KL on that day, so no big party for me yo. They surprised me on the day I left, even calling my dad to come a little later so they could surprise me with really good cake.:)
My family wanted to throw me a party, but really who's there to invite? I'm not the kind that loves big parties of acquaintances, all my sec school friends are overseas, besides, there's only a handful of lovelies I still keep in contact with. So anyways, I told myself or just felt why do I have to make 21 so special. It's a "norm" created, I don't have to accept it. Yet somehow, on that Monday, I don't know why, I suddenly pondered that this year the only celebrations was with my family and IB friends. I felt a sad kind of thankfulness that I had them.
(Okay I think this is going to be a long post. Stifle that yawn thank you.)
That monday I had went to complete my PR stuff, and Rowena gave me the impression that when I was done they would be ready. haha. When I was done, called her, she's still out buying "stuff", told me to take my time. Called anh, said she's running errands, thought everyone is only meeting at five. 5!! I growled.(Sorry anh!) Yes I am such a prima donna. I hate waiting with nothing to do. If I could plan sth it's ok, but when I'm caught unprepared I hate it. (That's why I don't like to be early. Bad habit, stemming from self-conciousness). Yes it was super grouchy of me, and I do realise, after my US trip with my sisters, that letting my bad mood/slightedness show isn't very nice.
It was really a surprise. When we entered I was wondering why Shawna was hiding behind the curtains- cheap thrill. When they started singing happy birthday I was like oops looking around shoots who's birthday is it? I forgot! Haha.
They really really really put in so much effort. So much details- the decorations, the props, the cake(awesommest ferrero-rocherish base ever), gifts(onitsuka tiger shoes!!- side story, on my 19th I brought them into an onitsuka tiger store, but felt too guilty to get them to buy me a pair:p and a holga! they tricked my by rowena pretending to be interested in getting one), theme (stripes,national day), venue(fun icon!), cards (huge, decorated with photos too!), food (Seriously, lovely food eg vietnamese, macaroons, sushi, fried stuff, cupcakes that had sweet but nice icing - who needs a part planner company?
These people gave me a really nice surprise on my 19th, like really nice- planned one where each would get on the train at a different station with a different present:D (Hey guys maybe we should make this an alternate year thing? Haha!)
The gifts were a delight- yes I'm materialistic. (The dress too Twink!). See the photos and it's pure unadulterated delight on my face. :D
I wish the night was longer, that all of us had nothing on the next day, that tiredness did not seep in...
:)

Tuesday's training was tough, emotionally. But the team trip to Kelong did me good, although the budget for a new stick is gone. The impromptu sharing revealed a lot, made me feel less alone. It's really hard for me now, esp with my confidence issues which doesn't help my level of skill, which is lacking from the lack of trainings. In the past year I pulled out of competitions twice due to exams, so didn't learn much. I'm the slowest, least skilled player in the team now. I know I will improve, but at this point as a senior, I should be much much better. Then again, most of the team understands and hopefully the coach as well.

Aiyah Prisca just put in more effort and stop worrying!

Wednesday to Friday I went for the Navigators camp. Hmm, I didn't join the Navs last year, cos I had a (mistaken) impression that they were a little bit weird. Somehow, my dad met a graduate who stayed with a Nav couple. I actually was feeling a bit jaded from staying in hall. Like being stuck in the NUS bubble 24/7. Hall is not really a happy place for me. Superficial people get to me. Anyways, so there is a Nav apt that I'm looking into moving to.
Anyways, back to the camp. Nav ppl are super friendly. Of course there are moments of feeling out of place, but maybe I've matured, maybe it's different there, those moments didn't tarnish the whole experience. They are all super genuinely nice, and most importantly in a proactive way, ie much effort wasn't required to get to know them. Even the guys. It's a small group, so :)

Then saturday was floorball again. Met the coach properly for the first time. Had small group session before training. After a while he pulled me aside and said that I was afraid to make mistakes in front of him. And it's not helping cos he wouldn't know if I'm just nervous or lacking-in-skills. True. Something I have to work at, not just in floorball. Other than that, training was good. The pace is better, I hardly looked at the clock, when I did, was glad to find that time had passed quickly. Wasn't as tired. Learnt of course. Acquired 3 blisters and a headache. :( But this time no tingly feelings in my hand.

Sunday. Met cell. Glad to be back. Funny moments in cell. Cell lunch was kinda fun. Being fetched to the bus stop a bonus. Came back. Roommate home. (Hmm why am I doing the what I did blah blah blah).

Yup so will go running when the sun rises. School starts Tuesday.

Funny Day

2009-07-11T21:17:00.004+08:00

I haven't blogged for eons not for the lack of things to say, but rather privacy issues. I'd rather not have some people know certain things, for irrational reasons somewhat. But it's so instinctive that it just broils up (that's the best expression I could think of to describe the feeling) and diminishes the desire as soon as I log in. Soon will come the day that I will be okay with it, cos I'm not gonna lock this blog or move somewhere else. It's been close to four years already!)

Today was a funny day, in both sense of the word. Weird and amusing. I'm not sure whether it's due to the movie I watched yesterday, Ice Age 3, where there were a few laughable moments (Quite a bit of adult jokes huh. Like the gay butterfly and the squirrel bedroom scene. It wasn't funny being in a cartoon.) ( I think I really can't find kiddy movies satisfying. The cliched storyline, and jokes that try too hard or think the audience is easy... only some moments here and there, when you let your guard/expectations down a little.

Anyways, this morning, before waking up, I had dream after dream where I actually laughed. It was all school-related, either the setting or the people, involving very bizarre situations, and all pretty funny. But I can't remember now. Dreams are really like elusive wisps of __(insert something poetic)___.

Then in the car to work I kept on finding so many things funny, but not lol-ing lah.

And today was a pretty good day, considering how moody the past few weeks have been.

Ah a burst of sunbeam

In conclusion?

2009-04-21T04:16:00.002+08:00

One of my problems with sociology is I feel that you end up with a bunch of theories in hand that offer possible explanations for something, but nothing concrete.
So you have to choose one and take a stand, says my tutor.
He also says everything is relative, or something like that. (I'm not sure if he said everything..)

I do subscribe to relativism, well most of the time, cos I do believe we don't know the truth. I think I've talked about this before, like how can I say that your God is wrong while you could say the same of mine.

But, but I do have my faith and convictions.

Still deep deep (deep down sounded cliche-d) I knew relativism was inconclusive, that it was there to breed tolerance and maintain peace.
And the problem with it that there was no truth, no absolutes. And I believe in a God that is all-knowing, thus there was an absolute truth. So very very uncomfortable I feel when we are forced to conclude that everything is relative.
But that's because we as man cannot know.

Is that why we need faith? For I will never never possess the knowledge that concludes my God is God. (no evidence is infallible- man's limit)

With that faith, I believe in the little that He reveals to us in His book, or however He wishes.
I obey His laws, that stem from his knowledge of truth, that I may have this yardstick to carry on with my life, cos I do find relativism rather paralysing, when you cannot act because uncertainty always plagues, ie you never know if you're doing the "right" thing.

With my limits in mind, (I really really have this small nagging feeling I haven't completed this thought process yet), perhaps in another year, or after another discussion I will come to another conclusion.

//
I tried reading back to the end of 2007, trying to remember how it was. Hmm but I didn't blog much, and I guess the stress was spread out, with all the projects and stuff. Now, everything pretty much hinges on the final exam. or so it feels.
Anyways, I find a certain distance from the person speaking say in October 07, some lines I cannot remember why I wrote. And this person, who speaks so, so brash, so teenage-like. Using a lot of "like" and so on so on.
Maybe I'm still the same. But nowadays I'm more inhibited (or being policed), or well, there are walls between me and you, the reader. Today I got this feeling that it's been so long, so long, since I've had that connection, of sharing a part of me to a stranger. Which is something all together different from sharing the same woes to your close friends, who I guess is so used to it, that perhaps, it got a bit old, that they couldn't be cared for anymore. (not me, the woes) (or maybe we all have the same woes and wallow wallow wallow) or maybe I don't want to sound like broken record, burdening and burdening. (though I do which I'm sure anh and rowe will testify)

*I know, what's up with the repetition? haha I guess from a lit pov, the echoing is a sense of despondence, wailing? haha*

I feel this dissatisfaction is so wrong, the crave for a kind of human company. That it means I'm not fitting right with God.

Being yours is suppose to be easy, innit?

Worldview

2009-04-17T19:06:00.002+08:00

Reading my (American) sociology textbook, reading the chapter on deviance and crime.

Reading on how different theories explain causes of deviance and crime.

When I find myself agreeing, I realise it's because it's something I watched in movies.

Scary huh, I readily absorb what I see in movies as the real thing. True, many depict things realistically, but many don't. Even many that portray a true story colour things a bit. Documentaries can be biased and don't show you the whole thing.

So how now?

theories theories theories = not the truth

So depressing

2009-04-15T21:04:00.002+08:00

Haha. I do realise that recently my posts have been written on the spur of welling up of negative emotions.

I do think I choose to be negative, mostly about life now, especially since I'm trapped (note choice of word) in this NUS bubble. Staying in hall is a cause. But then again, even if I stayed off campus, I don't know if I'd have much of a life. Hmm. But I would like to imagine living a mix of this and this. Like do art, photography (going to places to shoot), visiting museums, obscure interesting places in singapore, sitting in idyllic cafes for long hours reading/chatting, nostalgic nature walks. Time to ponder and reflect I guess.

I think it's possible to be passionate about hall life and stuff, ..*thinking, becoming down about it*... ahem, maybe next sem yea. Heh, optimistic yes?

So let me tell you something funny that happened the other day.

I went running at night (Oh shoots that reminds me I haven't change my contact lens solution! it's been more than 3 days:( ). Yup I went running alone, it was about 11pm. Now now I've considered the dangers, but it was on campus and I planned to stick to the main roads.
So I got a good pace (rare esp with no one to pace me), and then this car coming in the opp direction (see I am cautious, a true KLite huh), slows and obviously would be someone asking for directions.
Sure enough, this guy wanted to know where McDonald's was. Here's how the conversation went:
(Let's call him McLoser as you'll see why later. I know labeling but you'll see he really deserves it)

McLoser: Hey do you know where McDonald's is?
Me: Erm, *thinks*, you turn left at the roundabout.. then...*thinks how complicated it is. It is!* I don't think it's open now (11 plus yousee). Why don't you try the West Coast one. You go this way...
McLoser: Oh oh the NTU one closes at 12am, so should be still open la. Anyways, it's cheaper here:D
Me: *ROLLS EYES* (as you can see loser trait number one: now a penny saved is a penny gained, but when you're so driven to save a few bucks even when you can't find the place. and if you have a car I"m sure you can afford a meal that cost a few more. Anyways, if you really wanted to save money you wouldn't be buying Macs.) Erm okay, you go straight, turn left at the roundabout, then you'll see *thinks of Central Libray, and Macs will be on the right, but he's in a car! How do you direct him to park and walk.....argh..*
McLoser: Nevermind, which building is it?
Me: Engin *thinks hello it is so big you think you can find it?*
McLoser: Oh okay, cos I use to be a student here.

Me: ----------------________________________________-------------------------

McLoser: Which faculty are you from ah?
Me: erm.. science.
McLoser: Oh me too me too. You stay in hall is it?
Me: erm.. yeah.. *starts turnign my body away at this point*
McLoser: Oh I see I see..*mumbles something I can't remember as I start to semi-panic*
Me: *interrupts him* Ok bye! *Starts jogging*
McLoser: Oh ok ok, thanks, nice to meet you.
I RUN.

Ok so nothing right, continue running.

Then.

Horrors. Out of the corner of my eye I see headlights coming from behind and the car slows down.

He follows me, shouting from the other side of the road,
McLoser: Hey thanks ah, but I decided to go to NUH to eat alr.
Me: *thinks wouldn't NUH be closed at this time? !!dodgy liar!!* Ok great!(Good for you!) Bye! *turns to run off*
McLoser: ok bye bye.. Hey hey! My name is Peter! What's your name?
Me: (Am so stunned I completely stop at this moment) *thinks furtively for a fake name. Mind blanks* -Prisca. (cringes inwardly)
McLoser: Oh nice to meet you Prisca.
Me: Ok *painful smile* Bye! *starts running*
McLoser: Oh bye, bye!.... Oh oh hey would you be interested in meeting up sometime?
Me: *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzmmp* (you know that sound effect in videos when everything stops because of something incredulous being said?) (I'm lost for words. Actually I was thinking of shouting Get Lost or something ruder and was struggling internally.).... N.o.t. i.n.t.e.r.e.s.t.e.d.
McLoser: ok *mumbles mumbles*
Me: Bye *runs off without caring whether he's still talking*

At this point I'm completely freaked. I think he made a U-turn. Because of it, I debated whether to run the route as it passed quite an isolated road. Anyways, I turned, and on my way back I saw a car idling by the road near SDE, so being paranoid it could be him trying to track which hall I stayed in, I ran through library.

Yup, so hope you found that entertaining. Cos I did, freaked out and all.

Where there is no God,

2009-04-12T22:16:00.002+08:00

there is no meaning.

and this "where", applies to our friendship too.

Oh how I would like for that to be true. But God loves you too. And God wants to be "there".

But your apathy cuts deep. Funny how your indifference makes such a difference in me.

Cringe

2009-03-12T01:50:00.003+08:00

I put a note on facebook regarding something I was trying to figure out,
and then when I went away, stepped back, I realised it was simple and.. ?

Then the replies came in, and I felt.. so stupid. I mean so ignorant. Not a bad ignorant, just lacking knowledge. I suppose I should accept it humbly instead of feeling stupid, but I can;t help but cringe.

Ah well, shameful as it is, baby steps.

Solitary

2009-01-18T22:06:00.002+08:00

To exist like a flower, like an island. Maybe a visit from the bee once in a while.

Tagged by Sammy

2009-01-09T01:59:00.002+08:00

As promised, doing this now, cos I thought of one thing for:

16 Random Facts About Me-

1) I'll be glad when I'm 21 not because I can drive/smoke/drink whatever legal thing, but because I won't have to find a guardian/parent to sign forms! Ugh esp when they're not with you.

2) I like listening to music when I'm out walking, makes it feel like my life is a music video. (Ipod earphones are better at this)

3) I feel guilty when I press next when a hillsong song comes up in shuffle. Either I don't enjoy the music, or I compartmentalise it... Uh oh.

4) I don't really like chocolate. It gets old.

5) Chips draw me but when I start eating them, I find I dislike the msg-ish taste it leaves in my mouth immensely.

6) I am messy, but hyggienic. More so when it comes to food.

7) I am easily affected by the conduct of people around me.

8) Sometimes I like to pretend that my life is romanticised-tically emo. That's why I like this wee morning hours and listening to music.

9) I am easily attracted. I'm not so serious enough to consider a crush as really really liking the person.

10) I seriously like my birthdate, 26th May. It sounds good together.

11) I'm glad I'm Prisca and not Priscilla. Totally not me.

12) I dislike most names that start with P (except mine of course), like Peggy, Petunia, Patty, Posh if you consider that a name.

13) I'm materialistic. Hence receiving presents and shopping (buying things) are short-lived happy moments for me. Sad, yes.

14)I have really bad skin now. I mean I itch and itch. Like now:(

15) I do what I want, yet it's not really what I want.

16) I wish I had a smaller butt. Humph.

Phunk

2009-01-09T01:46:00.002+08:00

School is starting, everyone's asking,

"So, looking forward to the new semester?"

Not really, well since at this point I haven't gotten enough modules, yet. And that it's pretty crucial I do very well.

Today was a good day, a good day in this point of time when I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of phunk. A phunk where there is such relief when I find out I don't have any sort of training, and I can just laze and do what I want.

The dread that there is something coming up, when all I want to do is just stay in my room.

Brief moments of being free from that dreaded something has to be done/faced, but then time passes, and then the burden climbs back on.

Even in my 6 months of doing nothing while waiting for uni, well there were brief periods of time when I really had no obligations/responsibilities, I'm sure I told myself to savour and remember that moment, but I have no memory of it now.

I need peace I guess, and start the engine.

White Oleander

2009-01-04T22:34:00.002+08:00

Astrid- I want to be like an artist like her.

Meal to meal

2008-12-11T18:07:00.001+08:00

TOBEY DIED.

Phew.

Haha. Quite sad. Sorry, death by nectarine. The nectarine juice started bleeding, and it flooded the container a little, and i think Tobey just drowned.

Poor Tobey, never got his dream of being released into the bushes of temasek hall.

Wordle

2008-12-11T18:00:00.002+08:00

Tobey

2008-12-06T23:26:00.002+08:00

It's getting to be a bit too much.

You see, I have a mealworm as a pet. Gross, yes I know. But he wasn't so gross when he entertained me during the failed lsm1201 prac, wasn't icky to touch because previously I had overcame my jitteriness to touch the crickets with my bare hands.

So I brought him back. Fed him apples, cereal, what not.

The food attracted ants, but nevermind, ants don't really annoy me. But they've become more and more numerous, attacking any food I leave on my table. Like today the fried rice I ta-paued from breakfast.

And then I recently bought some nectarines, and gave him the core. NOW, EWW IT IS SO GROSS. Because the necatarine is so juicy, a wet kind of fungus is growing on it!!!

I think it's time to release him intot he while. I cannot endure this for another 13 molts he has to go before he turns into a beetle.

Fungus contamination scares me. Those spores!!

Messy

2008-12-03T01:58:00.004+08:00

I just wanna pack up and go hike the Himalayas or something.

Far far away from civilisations. Disappointments. Confusions.

One minute I'm so sure of my philosophy on some things in life, then something comes along to contradict it.

One minute these things are so trivial, so suck it up, stop wallowing look at the big picture! Then it overwhelms and I'm pulled down by this heaviness.

Maybe this state of mind has to do with my post-exam apocalyptic desk.

I really need to get out. No not to commercial places where my money will be left behind, but a forest or a glade or something.

I really, really need to get away.

Would you just count your blessings and look outwards..

H.O.L.I.D.A.Y!

2008-11-28T21:06:00.002+08:00

Hello it's the holidays. I went out yesterday, had a taste of what the materialistic world wanted me to buy, I shrank back in fear. SIGH. The commercialised christmas that makes you think you can celebrate christmas like you're in america doesn't help either.

So while going out with friends is fun fun fun, it always involves a lot of moolah. Which I don't have, and when you're running low, it's no fun fun fun anymore. Besides, I want to use the money for other things, like.....

RESOURCES for my art and craft projects.. COS THIS MONTH IS ART MONTH.

Yes I will try my hand at it. :D:D:D
So instead of onitsuka tiger (:( but they have such nice desings this season! and my old nikes are falling apart), shootsac (hello 50% off! but then again i only have one lens now. should save up for that instead, audiotechnica (they have this super cute button headphones!!! :( sennheiser is better but not as aesthetically cool), and *insert clothes brand here* getting my money, artfriend shall benefit instead!:)

hrm. yeah so I hope I have a productive month, besides dealing with acapella stuff, hall trainings, I will go to the library more, read in cafes more, with minimum expenditure of course, visit art galleries/museums, take pictures in the quaintest parts of singapore, late night drive-bys...

maybe some volunteerting too? so inward my planned activities are.

anyways, I wish i had a nice house to slack in, cos staying here in drabby hall makes you wanna get out. but that'll cost money.
i was looking at the service apartments while waiting for the bus at orchard and i realy wanted to be in a comfy hotel-ish bed with thick fluffy comforter and maroon coloured-walls that looks so luxurious under the incandescent lighting. sigh..

Today must be a turning point. It has to be.

2008-11-26T23:49:00.003+08:00

Today was the mother of all papers. (Is that even right? I'm too tired to think it out).

It came to this. I sit there, I recognize the reagents from my (last minute, but slow, cos I really tried to understand and not cram) revision, but could not remember what reactions are they.

I sat there thinking, "Is this a mental block?" I stopped, I prayed. I didn't feel that tensed. But I really think I needed to go through those reactions over and over again, write it down, figure it in and out, to actually remember them.

I've never felt so defeated, it's not final exams, but it feels like it. So it's different when you can't do any questions in a test and when you can't do any questions in the final exam. I thought of walking out, cos it was like every question was ....

Why am I talking about it. Ergh

anyways, I did cry, but for different reasons. I'm quite okay about taking this module again. I mean after going through the revision for it, if I get it right it's okay.

The day ended well, after the tears was tuition. hahaha. that's not the "well" part. My old hostel has Wii for the residents now! SO NOT FAIR. After I left, they got a fantastic caterer, a gym, a nice tv lounge with aircon and a 60-inch tv screen, and now Wii, and after mentioning they should get Rock Band, they said it will be under next year's budget!! What!!! I would go back to stay in a heartbeat if I had my friends there with me:(

11th floor *dig nose!* haha deb...

Thereafter, as I as potato-ing in front of the tv, vicky ho my wonderful wonderful cell leader called! She brought toffee nut coffee and caramelised hazelnut chocolate chip muffin. I'm only specifying it cos only got to know a lot of starbuck afficiendos out there.

Anyways, it was good, good in a different way cos the people we met were older, so in a way mature, something I need a reminder to strive towards. No unneccessary groaning of tests, you realised what a silly neurotic year one you can be.

I wish, that in this life, I could just drop everything and go explore doing art, taking photos, making cool stuff, paint, mould, draw, drape, go to florence, find music that touches that part of your being.

That i don't have to worry about consequences that may never happen at all.

(This post is crap and a lot of extra redundant stuff, but it isn't impt enough to edit. So enjoy:) )

I am, therefore I eat

2008-11-15T03:43:00.002+08:00

Look at your iTunes list, use name of songs that describe your condition now in one paragraph:

Time is running out (Muse), I have exactly one week (barenaked ladies) to Murder 101 (the wallflowers). Literally. Everything is average nowadays (Kaiser Chiefs), especially my grades, which may be even less than average. I get knocked down (Smashmouth) unto my bed everday, I am so tired. Must be the Three flights of stairs (Yellowcard) I have to climb up everday. November has come (Gorillaz), and for once I am glad it has. This semester has been a Supermassive Black Hole (Muse). Everything has been Over My Head (The Fray). But but, Better Days Are Coming (The Goo Goo Dolls). I really am looking forward to Inter-Hall Games.

Heute

2008-11-06T01:08:00.002+08:00

Today German tutorial went pretty well.
I actually read well, formed sentences well, the tutor was saying Gut! Instead of just Ya or Genauso.

:) maybe watching GNTM really helps.

Stressed about receiving calls now. Eeeps.

Basics

2008-10-31T01:40:00.002+08:00

I have been consciously depressed, on and off lately, more so this week.

It has mainly to do with friends. I feel lonely, I have friends (or maybe friend, seems like it now) that I can rely on, but that friend doesn't seem to need to rely on me, so then it doesn't count. So then it comes to family, which is there for you, no matter what. But I'm not with them now.

I also found myself in situations where I am alone, and everyone around has or seems to have their tight-knit group. They talk to me sure, but I am outside.
And then friends that I taught I was in with, leave me outside, forgotten. And the friends that remember me, does not outweigh the hurt the other friends that forgot me caused. And to think of it, I love and treasure more the friend that remembered me, so why does it still get to me so?

The thing about guys, (yes it was a guy that I felt forgotten by), they're less sensitive no? So I was wondering if us girls should just accept it and move on. This was again brought up by another friend, who finds some guys too mcp and said we girls think too much. Which also brought up the fact that when we get to know the person better, we find faults and it's not rosy anymore. I feel it's better to be distant sometiems. To be someone who happily says hi to you, friendly. But that's it, not trying to be your good friend. Which could also be because i'm avoiding rejection. But whatever.

Anyways, after running, at night, which helps with the sorting through stuff in an emo way and talking to God trying to conquer that hill, things crystallized. And I had so much to say but now they're kinda lost.

Well, about reliance, there's God. But it has been hard, He's not tangible, you can't show Him to everyone, hey, He's with me. But then that's trying to please man. And they can see Him, in you.

Two songs while I was stretching down- Amazing grace(my chains are gone) and majesty.

Now, I've found the greatest love of all is mine..
I wanted to find that someone to rely on, to confide in, for him to need me too, but so so silly. I know I'm not ready, and the greatest love is just there for me to take! No wondering, no insecurity if He loves me as much, cos He loves me more, and always.

Your grace has found me just as I am
I was wondering, am I not fun enough, is there something wrong with me, that they leave me out, forget me (but then again it could be some miscommunication cos the girl expected me to be there. see I'm thinking too much again, I wish I was omniscient, or the all-knowing all present one) Then as the thoughts ran, I knew they were lies, cos I am fine.
But no matter what I am, good or bad, (bad most of the time sometimes), God likes me.

And the think about guys being different from girls, you know sensitivity or how we girls need to go deep in friendships, we don't just ignore and move on. Guys will have to know we girls are like that, and try to accomadate. We girls the same, and meet halfway. Sorry, so basic right. All said in books. Books also say, we should be open to trust, to shy away right?

It's all there, everyone goes through it.

Sad

2008-10-30T02:50:00.003+08:00

Great days don't end well I guess. Or when you don't seize it I guess.

XX

I'm choosing the wrong people to be in my "core" group.
It's hard to rely on You alone, when you're all alone.

This is a lonely place.

And it feels like it's been this way forever.

Why I held on so tight

2008-10-29T11:05:00.002+08:00

Joining floorball was like, a fluke.
Before I kinda diskliked floorball cos you had to bend down (or so i thought) to play, so it was stupid.
I went for the trials randomly just to accompany xin ling. However, as i passed each stage of the trials, it became more tempting to join. Mainly , because after lost glory from not being able to be in any TEAM since I came to singapore, I wanted to be in a school team. My netball "career" that i had in kl still stings, all because of that particular incident when i unknowingly wore contacts on the competition day, when i never previously done so during practise. and the focal distance is different, hence no shots. And I had this teammate, and maybe she is a better player, but she went on to represent KL, and that year they won the championship. So all the "what ifs". (but then again, she's in UK, erm, without netball being the hightlight of her life. and I don't regret coming here. hrm maybe that's why that happened, netball would have held me back).

ANYWAYS, so I joined floorball, no experience whatsoever, just to be playing in a competitive sport. And I love it. I love the feeling after every training, when I feel so.. so "professional", trained. I use to envy sportsmen, with their shoe bags and tanned muscles, but now I'm (almost) one! Hah.

I got accepted into the provisional team, which is beyond my expectations. You see, floorball in nus has like two strings, the first is the team that plays in the official inter-varsity games, and then there is a second string that gets to play in the second division club league. Usually, noob players go to the second string and then they improve and get into first string the following year. Me, being lousier than most in the team, was really surprised i got in. But I didn't want to. Cos I can't be still training thrice a week and try to be ready in time for the final exams. Not possible. And I have to say, sometimes, actually most of the time, it was tiring, stressful to go for trainings. Now that I only have it once a week, I look forward to it and the tiring part is okay cos it's only once a week and i have the rest of it to rest.

Just to share something that has made me glad, that I think I did the right thing to stick to floorball although my schedule was killing me. I emailed the coach to say I wanted out from the provisional team, and here's his reply.

Hi Prisca,

Thank you for the notice.

I understood your situation and I respect your decision. Afterall, studies is the top priority still.

On a side note, I'd just like to let you know that you are selected to be in provi team because you have shown great improvements over the past weeks. In fact, we feel that you have been one of most fast-improving juniors in the team. It's a pity you have to stop now but as soon as you come back for training, do continue to train hard so you will be able to catch up with the rest. Have more confidence with yourself and believe in your abilities!

Polar

2008-10-27T23:35:00.002+08:00

I'm the horribleest girl in the whole world.
So mean, so bad to the people who love me the most.

Conflicting feelings when i'm with them, when i'm away from them.

Sorry sorry sorry.

but most importantly, thank you.

Thanks to Chian

2008-10-22T12:08:00.002+08:00

The Daily Toe makes good read.

She crystallises this idea well:

However, so many people tend to lose themselves in a relationship and sometimes one’s personality becomes so diluted when in a relationship. Think tepid tap water.

People, have a life. Your own.

What is my duty?

2008-10-22T09:12:00.000+08:00

Is my vocation to be separate from my duty?

I need to know.

True

2008-10-12T19:37:00.002+08:00

There's this friend, well sometimes I think it's close to acquaintance on the scale, but anyways, he has cancer. We were discussing it and I didn't know what to say, and I think even the things I said sounded so ignorant and immature. Sigh. Well, I don't know how to help, but I think he doesn't need help coming from me.

But this postcard says it all about him.

It Has Dawned Upon Me That...

2008-10-07T15:37:00.002+08:00

It's become quite clear now. What I have to do. It my blind pursuit of achieving the futile and short term, I was getting myself into a mess.

But now I know what I have to do. Do what I want, what has eternal significance. Which kinda still clashes but at least I'm getting rid of the other distractions. But it's hard, cos I was thinking, "Hmmm but handball quite fun leh." No! I can still play handball, I don't have to play for IHG. But I definitely still want to stick to netball for IHG. If I want to keep at floorball, I really have to be focused and not tossed by the wind and waves.

But it's easy to slip back and be distracted. Same like how it's easy to go back being self-conscious of ppl's perception of you, when actually they don't notice what you're trying so hard to hide. But it takes time, time to get used to.

Hopefully the clarity remains.

All this from talking to rowe, a real heaven-sent friend. She's the only one who really can stand my long-convoluted-ranting, who'll listen without trying to add her rants to it, who'll laugh at my lame attempts at humour, who finds my weirdness funnny, so I can be around her. Yeah but I hope it's not a one way street, that she's bless by me too.. Hur hur. only writing this cos she may read this.

Anyways, it's raining and I'm off to sleep!

HE's won my heart, but you've stolen it

2008-10-06T01:28:00.003+08:00

I was trying to remember when that something happened, was it last year or the year before. I think I'm over it, cos I can't even remember when it happened. I remember running in croc shoes of chian's during a rainy night in that period but was it when we were already roommates (that'll be 2007) or did I jsut borrow it from her when she was on 8th floor?

But I guess I'm not, cos I'm thrown into some kind of funk. A feeling like you've forgotten to pack something important.

Sigh. It's quiet now, good time to blog but the twisting feeling is still there.

Anyways, was reading random posts from both years trying to remember when it was, and I realised how much more entertaining or interesting my posts were last time. Mostly because I really wrote what I wanted to verbal-diarrhoe out. But now there is trepidation, that my mom may reprimand me for my actions (like now staying up late), or that I've given up making this blog secretive, and the fact that if I'm googled (well perasannessnya) my link is shown on my brother's blog. All this paranoia cos I know what it's like, cos I stalk other people:p

Last time I would write in great detail abt small little things. For example I jsut helped a fellow floormate catch a cockroach in her room. I'd prob be spurting forth words to narrate the incident, even describing in detail how weird the cockroach looked (it looked like it was eating a small beetle, but that was it's head.errgh) and I would be telling irrelavant stuff like from where to where to where it flew/jump/crawled to, what I did next and next and next. I put those things in because I can't leave anything out, it's kind of like my own obsessive-compulsiveness.

But now I'm too tired/lazy.

yeahsokthnxbye

PS. I need to take out my camera more! I jsut found out one of my schoolmates who's the best photographer in my batch (easily) only took up photography in our first year!!!! and he started out with a D70, so my D80 is actually better, which means I have no excuse.
And I want a polarizer and need to stop making excuses by thinking good photos are most likely photoshopped.

Oddly enough....

2008-10-05T15:25:00.002+08:00

I'm glad I woke up in time for church. Cos I realise today that I am very familiar and comfortable with my cell grp/cluster. It used to be that even in my second/third year I sometimes felt like making conversation was forced, although I still consciously think of what to say the answers to the questions I ask is really what I am interested in.
And seeing long lost friends, you feel an instant sense of caring for them although I wouldn't say we're particularly close. Sometimes it's much easier to love brothers and sisters in Christ, even though you're not close. :)
I'm also finding more about them, not just asking how are you, but really finding out how their lives are outside of church.

I bought a whole bunch of groceries today. And yet it only cost 30 plus! WELL, if I had bought that same amount in weight normally, it would probably cost abt 70 easily. The reason why it was so cheap is because I bought fruits and vegetables! Yup. Trying to eat healthily after looking at my blood.

And after, lugging my many many heavy bags of groceries, I met someone which I have not seen for a long time. I find myself a bit pai seh meeting ppl when I'm carrying so many bags of groceries, cos I'm afraid they might think I eat so much snacks. WHICH IS TRUE HAHA. Yeah a little silly of me right.

Which brings me to what I was thinking about during worship. Why today off all Sundays? Chance or sign? But then again, wasn't it not real?

Smeeellllyyy

2008-09-30T09:55:00.002+08:00

It always fogs on Tuesdays. ERgh foul toxic fumes that hit you right up the nasal cavity.

Today is the last day that I get to sleep in late. Just so happens a window in this week where there is no lab nor tutorial for 1201, so only 1103 at 4 today. So I'm going to do my laundry. And study. Yes study. But I realise only 2 more months, then it's the hols! Say hello to not worrying abt studies. And playing games.

FOR ONE WHOLE MONTH.

Hall has been made good cos of og mates. Never thought it would happen to me. Cos past orientation/camp experiences have never been terribly successful. When we're all together in someone's room, I feel *insert cheesy line like "at home"*. But seriously, if there wasn't them, I would be feeling like I'm just hanging on in this hall, wishing i was somewhere else.

Pics of the week

2008-09-13T01:43:00.002+08:00

Today

2008-09-13T01:30:00.002+08:00

Today luckily I didn't wake up late for chem prac although I didn't hear my alarm. How alarming.

Anyways, I want to rant about chem prac. You know, there are Teaching Assistants (TAs) to help us. One TA is assigned to like 10 students? Anyways, I don't know but there were these two male TAs, who wasn't assigned to my group, but they hung around helping some of us.

SOME OF US ONLY. Apparently, these lecherous TAs met some of the people in the science orientation, especially the girls. Cos they were SO NICE TO a few of them ok. Like help them fold the filter paper. (without the girl asking). TElling them the secret salvage methods, or how to do the prac ques, tips etc. PIAN XIN DAO SI!!!

And then cos dunno why, my round bottom flask took so long to dry, so i did the second part first. so when I set up my lieberg tube to do the first part, my TA thought I was too slow. So she wanted those two TAs to help me or sth, but they were like" No.. this is not my responsibility.."
Which pissed me off more. Cos the whole time they were happily chit chatting with the girls, offering help so freely, while I can barely catch my TA to ask for help.
Humph. (Ok fine one of them did help but acted as if I was invisible the whole time.)

SO yeah. DISGUSTING. Almost paedophilic lorh. Ugh.

Anyways, after that it was german, then HOME FREE! the WEEKEND.
went back to AC to collect sth, met with mdm reena. Ate mee pok and drank teh peng:) the aunties remembered me!

Then came back slept. And sweated while i was at it. So hot and humid. Yuck.
Then went to teach Gab. Then my zip broke!!! So that caused an uproar and made me late to go see jia yi off.

sigh.

Breather

2008-09-12T01:24:00.002+08:00

Time flies and flies and flies and before you know it it is the weekend already but it does not seem like the weekend cos you are so busy and then it is oh bother monday already dread dread and then suddenly it is friday and the weekend is here.

And repeat.

Just little things you note down in your schedule, little bumps, little things to do, little tutorials that need a rush, little pracs that scare you. And BIG tests. BIG application deadlines.

But fun exercising sessions. Not quite play but endorphin sessions. And then laughter. And then hurt. And then getting over it slowly and moving again, through monday to sunday.

And repeat.

I feel like I'm being swept forward.

Tweaked for the better or Bastardized?

2008-09-04T10:54:00.004+08:00

Original:

Edited:

Taking care of myself

2008-08-09T21:55:00.002+08:00

It has been a long week, or weeks, but time did pass fast.

I came down to singapore earlier than the other residents, cos of the USP interview. Which i thought went ok, but I didn't get in. At first I was disappointed, but looking at the singapore studies and gem modules, they're quite fun too:)

So then it was hall orientation, which i was kind of dreading, cos it was two weeks, and the only orientation experience i ever had was the ac one. which was quite a dark period in my life. haha.
But it was quite fun! Though there are moments when i felt out-of-place or alone, or uncomfortable, overall it was ok. Met some nice and funny ppl, but somehow I doubt the frienships will last. Eh why so pessimistic?

Back to the main topic, I'm really sick now. This hacking itchy cough. I've coughed and coughed till my abs are harder. It's like a every 30 seconds cough, and I can't talk without coughing out my words. How did this happen? I guess it's because of trying to be an enthu freshie. Though I'm not loud and siao-on, but I think I should get the MEF award too.

It's because of the rag thing. Rag in nus is where halls or faculties build floats, and then they parade it with dances in hope of winning a trophy. But it's hard work, the float is built from scratch and scrap. Recycables, but actually thousands of dollars is spent buying the materials and making them into recycables. The main raggers started like two months ago, and they spend like 9am-6am in the rag room, so you can imagine why ppl cry after it's over, whether they win or not.

Anyways, they get their help mostly from the freshies, like manual labour for mass production kind of stuff. So, me, knowing a senior in the main comm, feel compelled to help out lor, because these ppl work so hard, and i am in this hall, so must also help lah. So it was like this: orientation usually starts in the morning, like 8 or 9, then end about 11 plus. If I could still sit up, I'd bathe and then go help out in the rag room till like 2 on average, sometimes 4. You don't really notice the time cos in the rag room the peak hour is the wee hours of morning.

So yeah being kiasu and enthu, not wanting to skip any part of orientation to rest and recoup, I have been sick for a week. My mom just reprimanded me for not taking care of myself, and I only realise it now. All the advice ppl told me, "eh better go and rest lah", i brush it off as just offhand comments, you know something to say just to show that you care but you really dont.. or I thought, this is just a normal sickness, it'll pass.

Well, I guess although it'll pass it has implications, like i have this interview with the german convenor on monday and if i keep coughing every ich or bin i don't think they'll know where my level is.(oh about the german placement test, first few questions were ok, but aafter that it was like french, i made up the meanings along the way. ) And it's hard talking to ppl. So like that day when jia yi came, I couldnt really catch up with her although it was so so good to see her. And I couldnt meet up with istee cos i'd be coughing the whole time. and Ididnt get to see the opulent opening ceremony of the beijing games properly, and basically i am a walking incubation of germs.

I am so dark and gross now and sunburnt. I should try to dedicate more time to thinking ahead, being prepared.

hope things get better, that uni will be damn fun. yeah, being here, I've absorbed all their lingo and slang, like "shack", "zai", "chio".. I guess mg and ac were still relatively "ang moh pai", thoung damn was used in place of very too. i've met only a handful of ac/mg ppl, i guess they're rich/smart enough to go overseas..

I'll talk more about orientation in my next post..

emmm...

2008-07-26T22:31:00.002+08:00

I just want to:

Stop time,

and sleep.

When I'm in this new room, I feel so anti-social. I don't want to meet people, although whenever I do it has been fun.:/ It's just like bathing. I always am suddenly gripped with tremendous inertia when I need to bathe, (like now), but then after it's all good.

I feel tired of having to meet new people. No, it's more tiring feeling to need to try to make yourself "attractive" in a way/likeable that they would want you as a friend.

To be or not to be - a photographer

2008-07-08T23:38:00.003+08:00

OH POWDER.
(had to use a mildly plosive word, cos I am mildly frustrated.)

I spent the past 3 hrs attempting to finally upload my photos from vietnam and some pics I took of the dogs (note: no longer puppies) today.
Considered uploading to picasa web album, too long.
Then tried to burn it, don't know where the heck it was burnt to. Humph!

Then tried to just upload the dog pics on facebook, too long and too many.

All the loading. ARGHRAGHRAGH.

And I tak sempat upload everything, without tweaking some of the "possess potential" ones first. Then thought aiyah don't upload everything, people won't find it interesting. But one half of me says, "Noooo, must share this experience-all of it."

Sigh so here I am with nothing done. Well, thank goodness I did what I had to do, which is prepare my usp interview and i did one lesson of german. So the time wasted is allowable.

I just tried using photoshop. This is the version of my dad's laptof. It's Photoshop CS. Erm. Which is old I guess. And I don't know how to use anything. Can you imagine with all the other things??

Please help. I don't like techie stuff so it's going to be a steep incline. :(

I think at this rate the photos will only go up 10 yrs later. Then again, maybe never.
Yes yes I seriously think so.

A D80 for nothing. !!

*Ok ok I'm kidding. The effort needed looks terribly daunting at this hour.

PS. Here's one picture because posts lately are all words and no play.I'm going to randomly draw one cos it takes 20 yrs for all the photos to load to be able to preview it.
Ding ding ding.....
(I'm waiting for ONE picture to load. It's taking 15 years....)

I will try my best to avoid ENN ESS for the next 15 years

2008-07-07T14:46:00.004+08:00

See, I am so paranoid that I daren't spell NS.

hah!
Yeah todays's star headline really scared me.
my mum told me she read in the newspaper that those studying overseas are EXEMPTED.
but I only half-believed her cos sometimes she remember things wrongly.

so i'm no innocent blur sotong cos I did think of it the whole six months at home and think it would get lost in the 21,000 high stack of paper work.
I said to God, "Please Lord don't let this be your lesson to teach me I have to submit to governing authorities.":(

Erm hrm let's just see how things go.

Am apprehensive about uni. :(

Don't puke into the sink!

2008-07-02T14:25:00.002+08:00

Cos it gets clogged. And you have to fish out the undigested food matter/stomach acid/mucus into the toilet bowl.

Ugh undigested coconut pieces and squid. :/ Reminds me of the kerabu sotong salad twink tried to make but erm...

anyways, i'm here to speak about vomiting.

Cos everytime i get nausea and have the urge to puke, I feel like i'm dying- hence that makes it so much more etched in my memory.

I first realised the feeling of dying is nausea back in 2007, when i came back from school, felt so sick that i couldnt make it to my room, and had to call debo to help me while i lay on the canteen chairs.

Now, the secret is, of relieving yourself of the terrible feeling that you're dying, is, to vomit. Yes, the urge to vomit is so much more worse than the process of puking.

After that, if you're really sick, you'll continue to feel terrible. But not as terrible as the feeling of being in a cesspit of you can't do anything to make the feeling of dying go away, not even lying down you know. I mean, even period cramps can be slightly alleviated by lying down in a certain foetal position.

In vietnam, I had a bout of food poisoning. It came in the middle of the night, and somehow i couldnt figure out that the uncomfortable-ness i was feeling was due to the urge to throw up all my ingested food. and when i did, oh felt somuch better. hmm, actually there wasn't food.more like just water. (Haha too much info eh?) Then yesterday night, suddenly I felt oh so terrible. That same ol' feeling of uncomfortableness. It soon escalated to I'm dying so i quickly switched off my laptop and went upstairs. At first I thought it was due to the fumes caused by some numbskull burning his rubbish which released toxic plastic fumes into the air. I really thought it was that. And I thought of the little molecules of plastic polymers are rejoining together in my nasal passage and forming a hardened crust of plastic along the lining of it.

I thought maybe I was going to die of this toxic poisoining. It even crossed my mind that maybe the whole family will be wiped out from this. Because of this numbskull.

While brushing my teeth, it hit me that this is the feeling when you need to vomit. I resisted the urge, because the urge was such a terrible body-shuddering feeling that I was afraid how the real thing would feel. After much coaxing and a dose of courage, I stupidly puked into the sink. First the coconut meat, then the squid and what-not.

Then the cleaning up while still having a string of saliva hanging out the corner of your mouth. Haha! Gross right.

Yeah so note to self: Just puke cos it feels so much better afterwards.

Can't Get Back

2008-07-01T18:04:00.002+08:00

Will Smith says that the superpower he wants is to be able to read people's minds. He says that it'll solve the world's problems. hmmm, yeah maybe. But right now, I need that.

I've this friendship that I think it's going down the drains. I think it's because of misunderstandings. I've a lot of reservations about this friend, and sometimes I think it has to be me being overly paranoid. Not wanting to be hurt or rejected first. Then some little part of me says hey what if you're right, and you mean nothing to her.
Many times I try to brush off the suspicions, then when the same thing happens it's like, gosh so many times, it has to be true right?

So what to do, leave it and walk away? Then I think of all the effort she put in for this friendship, and I didn't really do much.

A friend once said that friendships are investments. And she didnt want to make new friends cos her plate was already full.
I was pretty shocked at that statement, turned off even. But it's quite true. I don't make much effort in keeping in contact, no matter how much I still think dearly of a person.

In all this mess, not knowing what the other person is thinking and not sure what would make the matter worse, I thought of Jesus and frankly He's the best example. He doesn't care if He's rejected, He still stands at the door and knock.

So that's my answer, to keep at this friendship.

But it's still hard not to be hurt and prideful.

Uh-huh y'all!

2008-06-11T18:34:00.001+08:00

I just bought the D80!!

My first DSLR!:DD

Thank you!

Landmark occasion y'all!

*the y'all is from watching too much antm.;p

Getting My Discounted Malaysian Passport

2008-06-11T15:07:00.003+08:00

I didn't expect any problems getting my "student" passport at half the price, after all I had enquired about it the first time I went there without my ic, but I guess I should have known.

In the website, which isn't done by the immigration dept you know(it's private company, so it's not their fault it's so lousy, go read the FAQs, it's pretty hilarious. I had better help from bloggers), said bring the letter of offer. Turns out you need more than that. It has to state what specific course, what year to what year, how much are the fees. And make sure you bring a "bank draft" to show you paid your fees or whatever. -_-

I managed to be "tolong-ed" this time cos I basically acted like the inferior citizen at the mercy of them officers. I'm not really pissed at the person who handled my application, more of whoever issued those stupid policies to ENSURE they weren't being ripped of. Could take care to make it loud annd clear on the website. You know, the malay version had more information than the english side but even then it wasn't clear enough.

Ok I take back the "inferior citizen" thingy. That's too scathing. Really it was more of showing that I understand their position, how they don't have time to go look at the NUS website to see that NUS doesn't offer one year courses, or that I have accepted NUS's offer online. Or that is their neck for approving my application with just the offer letter. Since the expected outcome will normally thought to be much worse when dealing with govt departments, this is "nice".

Then again, I guess I'm resigned, rather than some who call for efficiency and all. I didn't think negatively about the waiting time, very prepared to sit there and read.
There was this lady, who I overheard encountered a hiccup cos she lacked one more passport photo, complain loudly after she got it approved, by saying," Haih have to wait TWO more hours!" Grumble grumble. I was quite disgusted, cos like two hours wait to get a new passport? Hello? Much improvement over the years already. I guess this is the kind of people who demand the best from their government, which is what everyone wants right?

Oh, one thing I read that made me feel incredulous. It was an article on how the govt is cutting the salaries of the ministers and limiting their overseas trips something like that, and I thought "Wow! That's good. Finally some humility." Then I turn the next page and find that it's only 10%, only because some NGOs cried foul. WTF. Then I find out they get five digit "entertainment allowance" PER MONTH. WTF. With their all important jobs, I don't think they have time to spend that EVERY MONTH RIGHT?

then again I don't have all the facts, but I still believe that is not justified.

//
On the way back from my sister's office, I took a cab.(yeah because her date was so important and she couldnt push it back to fetch me home, even though it was raining. But I wouldn't want to get in the way of that special date anyways.) A cab pulled up, but not right next to the shelter cos xome inconsiderate people took up the space and i had to dash through the rain to get to it, i didnt want to get in, so i stood there asking him if he knew where my taman was. He quoted me 25 dollars and I just slammed the door in his face, which gave me tremendous satisfaction. I wished him the luckof not being able to pick up any customers for the rest of the day. I went back to the office (drenched again) cos a mini flood was forming in that shelter.
Later, I came out again and hailed for one. When I saw that it was quite-young malay driver, I thought to myself, "oh no." Actually it's not just applicable to malay, but indian and chinese. I don't know, i just feel that the younger ones are out to get more money, while the old ones are contented with what they get. Not a generalisation, but so far the old malay ones have been the nicest.

So I get in, tell him the direction, and he's like deaf or something. Later he kept repeating the name in a funny way like "Lensong Garden" when it's lenseng. I was like "omg I'm stuck with a lunatic." I was so sure he's taking me for a wild ride. Then he started singing 'Beautiful girl..." you know that song. I was like "Errr.."
Then he asked me whether I was a student. I said YES cos I wanted to indicate that I was poor and was not worth robbing as I had 150 plus and my NEW passport with me. He found out I study in Singapore "form 6" hahah. He asked me whether Singapore's education system is better or malaysia's. Erm, it's quite clear to me, but I thought of how you know some malays are so nationalistic so I said erm, it's the same. Haha. Quite true, I mean, going through the malaysian system it still gets you to an overseas college. Provided you take the neccessary standardised tests. you still get the same amount of knowledge, but other than that, there are some disparities in terms of skills learnt i guess.

So I realised I'm quite cowardly. That I am afraid of the apparent power the malays have. :/
Anyways, turns out he's pretty decent, has 4 kids, works all the time, they don't do well in school.
Yeah moral of the story, don't judge a book by it's cover, then again, why does a father act like that, singing that song to a girl..

*I think I sound like a meanie, spoilt, self-righteous brat. You think so?*

Too Mafan

2008-05-24T00:08:00.002+08:00

I am someone who normally is too afraid to take action because I think it is too mafan, all too scary to handle, that I don't even consider if the outcome is worth it.

Take the most recent, my planned "internship" in Vietnam. I just had a talk with my friend, and now the trip has a 50-50 chance of ppt-ing. (oh dear chem people I forgot what ppt stands for!!!!!!!! Oh Mrs Goh, you're probably turning in your grave now. perspiring?perspication, percipitate? precipitate!correct?)

Anyways, thinking of how I may be a nuisance, and all the details unsettled I can't book the air ticket but the prices are going up everyday, I may have to wear office clothes or just not jeans but I can't fit into my non-jeans pants. (To side track, I manage to return to my previous "!!-I can't-hit-this-weight. )

And to think a whole month! A whole month what am I going to do, people will be speaking vietnamses all around, it's just me you know, what if I have a cold war with my friend?? and what about the bangkok trip? how much will it cost?

The other thing is uni applications. At this state, I think it wouldn't hurt to apply to more unis (you know lower ranking ones that are need-blind) but then again to go through that nightmare-of-a-applying, too troublesome, i'm just too lazy. Ah there I go not considering how TROUBLESOME it may be that I will be university-less. It scares me, well not quite, but how sometimes like the reality of the outcome can't hit me hard enough to pedal faster. Like while I was studying for my exams, or rather not studying, no matter how much I psyched myself to think if I don't do well I can't go where I want to but the thing is I still turn to my laptop. (Now mummy please don't start).

Maybe it's because I've never been in that desolate situation before? God has always been gracious though I think I never studied hard to deserve it.

Yeah so then my mom tells me how she's trying to set up a meeting with the dean of finaid and I'm thinking if I were her I would feel argh this is so hard, I mean people-wise. Like being afraid people don't want to see you. But then again, hello prisca, being persistent is nothign wrong. I'm overthinking it, they may be perfectly fine and the meeting might turn out so well like how situations like this in mylife has happened and turn out so well that I thank God for it. And those terrible situations I get over it that I can hardly recall much.

See see see.... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

I would say,..... I Am cheating myself, why am I not a go-getter, I just sit here and want to be bigger and all that, but I am... ugh I can't even bring myself to give that excuse.

This isn't just about uni and all that you know, even stuff like photography, I keep saying I'm.......................................................................

EDIT!!
That was a rant written a few weeks ago.
Let's see, NOw, I'm:
-going to vietnam for that "internship", feeling less anxious about it already. Excited even! Namely because I'll be bringing my new camera (hopefully) to Vietnam to take some delicious photos.
-Which brings me to address the last point of rant. So I AM doing something about photography. Let's see how I progress to be able to talk techie- UGH.
-going to NUS! After all the uncertainty and forgetting to trust God about it, accepted AND with a scholarship. Phew. Dropped any thoughts about applyign to more US colleges like a hot coal.

Funny thing is, when I was young and full of myself I thought there wouldn't be much problem getting into US colleges. That's why I didn't think of applyign to more less selective ones rather than having almost all of them top and well-known. I thought yeah I would probably have more than one acceptance and prayed to God to show me CLEARLY where I should go. I suggested He close all other doors and leave that one door open.

SO, I guess that's what I got.. :D

Another thing to thank Him is for helping me pass my driver's test! I was soo so nervous, and seeing how people were crashing into the poles or flying across the slope scared me to see how nerves can get to you. I asked for His peace and was soon calm. Well some could say it's a psychological thing blah blah. Well i don't know. Talking about that, i don't remember who said this to me, but she said Jesus is the Prince of Peace, so when you need peace in your heart, you pray and call Him specifically the Prince of Peace and ask for peace. So that's what I always do. Especially before exams and stuff.

Yeah, so I was so calm and collected k. ;) Thanks to Him. When it was my turn to go up the slope, this lady who's car was on top ran across to the booth. (She failed terribly so I guess the temporary loss of mind). I stopped mid-slope and remembered (!) to balance the car and made it within the yellow bar. I think I wouldn't have been able to do all that if I was nervous and such.

Second thing, while waiting around I saw this burly instructor with those sunglasses that ain't friendly. I immediately thought," oh gosh I hope I don't get him" But immediately I thought of the Law of Attraction. So I thought, "ok, I HOPE I get him but I will be calm and prove that I can do it." Haha.
Now, I had recently watched the movie "secret" on the LOA and although I don't really believe it, it still affects me. Haha. As you would expect, I did get him!
He was so weird. He wouldn't let me adjust the mirror on his side saying he needed to look in it. Okaay. At least he laughed about not tricking me. Then we started. But things soon went pretty downhill. He scolded me impatiently for stopping at places I should stop because there were no cars, then for being too slow when I turn... I was so scared that I would be failed at that time but just felt unjustified. So when we reached back the way he wordlessly pass me my slip I thought I was a goner. But lo and behold 17/20! Passing is 16/20. Praise the Lord. The instructor was fair I guess. All the mistakes he noted I did do. And he did guide me along, like where to turn and such.

(Ugh I'm pretty disgusted at what I wrote about the driving test but nah too lazy to edit and I want to keep it for memories sake. So pardon me)

I want to watch Wanted. It has james mcavoy and angelina jolie. Angelina jolie is so so cool. As an action actress. so so cool.

Private

2008-05-09T23:22:00.003+08:00

Today was a bad day. Thus, I'm feeling more depressed than usual.

Thus, I feel like talking out about sad states and stuff. But I feel like I can't, I don't want certain people to know. Then again why do I want to write it here instead of my own private diary?

Do I want people to know that I am sad? I just read someone's else's blog, and she can write about her kids and then write about personal stuff. Makes me feel a little better about the whole I feel inhibited thing.

Actually, the problem is, if I write about it, some people will take it, thinking they can fix it, but they actually don't understand, and it really gets to me.

Yeah I am an angry/messed up tangle.I'm doing everything wrong but I don't care. I feel like I don't have complete freedom now to do what I want, but I think even if I have that freedom I wouldn't handle it right and things wouldn't be what I'd imagine it to be.

About relationships, sometimes I want to scream "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!!" yeah I know I should be asking that to myself.

So tell me, is it better I do not write stuff like this? Is it cringingly turn-off emo post?

Passing

2008-04-21T01:39:00.003+08:00

I didn't cry or feel really sad when she died.
But when I found some pictures of her long forgotten, I find that I really miss her.

Strawberry Cream and Scones

2008-04-20T21:20:00.005+08:00

The last time I went down to Singapore I met up with jen, regine, xin ling and andre at Tea Party, and it was open! (They were at least 3 times that I went there and it was closed)

Anyways, jen ordered this scone and it came with strawberry cream and it was soo good. The scone was piping hot and combined with the chilled (sweet) strawberry cream, it was makes-you-salivate-to-think-of-it. Like really really good.

So when my sis Twink brought me to camerons to stay, I wanted to have scones and strawberry cream. Smokehouse is too expensive, and the tea at the hotel we were staying at was RM 55. Heh no. So I checked online and ppl were raving about this T cafe. So I was quite adamant about going there even though both of us were very full. But, it was not meant to be as we couldnt find it. I'm sure I saw it on the way up, but we practically drove all the way down and still couldn't find it.:(

But but my dear sister Twink promised me she'd bake some for me and she did:)

Driving instructors

2008-04-14T21:29:00.002+08:00

Yahooo!

Done with 5 +6 hours of listening to lectures taught in malay thathavenopausesinbetween words.
Gosh, how am I to survive(work) in this country. I mean I can listen all right, but then when I speak, I can't, and when I hear some Chinese speak malay, I cringe at their accent, and makes me want to shut up cos i'd sound worse.

The lecturer asks me a question, I freeze, smile, wondering what he really is asking, and then he says somethingallstringedtogether and then the class laugh and I laugh too but I have no idea what I'm laughing for. But that was just that lecturer. The rest I had were ok. I just ignore the filler words and pick on the keywords to get the meaning.

Met some pretty interesting characters.
This girl, whom I was quite irratated with cos she was treating the theory test like SPM, you know super worried-enthu kind, and she really looks like meicen(!). And turns out, she IS from China, but she's 30 yrs old with a 2 yr old boy!
I seriously thought she was 18 cos she was dressed like a 14 yr old, but then to think of it, it is the style of some Chinese, like some Chinese scholars. But even though her super gan joing about stuff, and not funny jokes, she was my lifesaver cos if not I'll be super lonely. Even though there were many like that, but today was a looong day and I'm glad not to be alone again.
Then there was this malay woman, quite old also, and ask a lot of questions. -_- about the engine and stuff. I guess the older you get the more ganjiong one gets?
And then there was a boy who works at a bread factory. Jolts you back to reality I guess.

So next up: Driving in small cars Kancils (in english-Mousedeer) with no air-con in the hot hot hot and humid, and polluted air.

Sure builds character.

Effusive thanks

2008-04-08T22:57:00.002+08:00

Wow, today at 5.30 pm plus, saya menaiki KTM (!),
dan, tren itu datang ngam-ngam saya turun tangga. Woo! Dan dan, tren tidak penuh dengan orang! Ini sesuatu fenomenon yang keluar biasa tau!

:D

Ahhrrmm..

2008-04-07T01:21:00.002+08:00

About not going to the US to study,

i've typed like 3, 4 diff posts, and i've come to so many varying conclusions on this.

Seems like I've screwed myself over. I wish I had a shrink to tell me who I am, what I want, What I need... cos all I know is,

I don't give much about important things, all I care about is watching CSI:NY.

i'm going to be killed for this, but I can't help it.
No wait, I can;t say that. SAying I can;t is a lousy excuse.

Ok, let's try thinking about what's important.

Hmm yes. Ok. I'll let you know whether there're any changes.

WOWWEE!

2008-04-03T18:19:00.002+08:00

Haha I googled the username is use frequently, you know being paranoid and all,

aaaand, I found out, someone had actually favourited not one, but TWO (:D) of my photos!

Now that flickr account is a real embarrassment cos I just dump photos in there, not carefully selecting them.. (not even tweakign them but let's not go there)

SO, haha. So proud. But can't say they were candid photos. I brought out my camera that day for the purpose of getting some shots to enter this competition where pppl are jumping, which obviously I didn't win. :p

But hey, I got favourited!:DDD

I have faith in whatever little talent I have already.

Hello My Trecherous Friends (drama serials)

2008-03-29T22:42:00.003+08:00

I agree with skye sweetnam.

Music can be my boyfriend. Hah!

Really, when I listen to good music the emotions are sort of run(ed)-through so I don't have that gaping hole in my heart especially due to on-screen romance stories.

PS: I don't actually listen to her music.. Too noisy, can't make out the melody

RIP

2008-03-22T10:21:00.001+08:00

Hello I just dug a grave.

My dog died.

Back...

2008-03-08T17:49:00.002+08:00

Seems like a long time that I've been away, showing how the internet is part of my existence.
While to me it's like there's so much to catch up, I suppose to many it's just "one week what".

Anyways, been away for a silent retreat, so got to know Him a little better, trusted a little better, learned a little better (yes in a way) and ate a little better too. (more about that)

Surprisingly, I was pretty much swimming with it. I mean right before I had to go I was feeling the jitters like" No I shouldnt go!".
But it turned out swell, with just two of us and a whole house with my own room (with attached bathroom of course) and with a supply of biscuits and milo. (I come back home and we have no snacks:( ) ( To allay my mom's fears, I did not eat any with hydrogenated oil or shortening ok. I didn't even eat teh peanut butter in the fridge. Though I did eat...

Anyways, there was a lot of food. Mainly because the other "retreater" was a SMALL eater. I mean like one scoop of ricce and a few jabs at the dishes. I always ate later than her, so ended with me eatign so much cos I felt bad wasting food. So I am even bigger now. Sigh.

I read 3 and a half books? Haha. First was Falling Leaves which I always wanted to read after doing an excerpt from it for comprehension. So intriguing you know. It was teh scene where no one remembered to pick her up from school on the first day. :( I had already read the book long time ago but still could not recall many of the bits. Why i mention this, i find that I have a failing memory. And it scares me how little of my past I can remember. I need to takemore pictures and keep a diary.

The second book was Joy and CS Lewis. CS Lewis is potrayed as such a sweet and nice and charming man in the book. Sigh. I wish I could meet him. And I well, "adore" the way they write. So proper but personal. You know, big words and complex expressions that are clear and personal?:)

The last two books are about catherine marshall and peter marshall.Apparently, he was some big preacher back in the day. Had a lot of "fans". I've personally never meet any preacher who could preach till the church overflowed.

I've come to realise I can't bother with books that don't grip me. Hence many non-fiction books fall in this category. They may be good for me, but if it can't hold my attention, why try so hard? I've tried enough with textbooks already. Actually, I'll blame it on the author. Many non-fiction writers arent blessed with the gift of writing, unfotunately. And if a fiction writer has no special style, well the plot holds you. But I'm conflicted on this cos sometiems the content is good for you, youknow?

(I've got to say, all those college essays really got my paragraphing going on well. I mean a big improvement if you check out my earlier days. Haha I cringe at my punctuation and non-existent paragraphs too.)

Some memories before I forget.
*Wandering down to the seminary (2 km away!.. or less). I tried walking on against traffic flow you know, but all i got was weird stares from the local residents walking on the other side of the road. Well, they were against traffic after all to think of it! But my side of the road wasn't nice. No proper pavement or whatever to walk on. And i saw a german shephard riding pillion! how sad. It was balanced all four legs on the narrow feet of the seat. Without a helmet on too! Think of it, careening through traffic. It's like all four legs balancing on a ball. Without digressing further, I wandered into STM. I been there before, and only recognized it when i reached the buildings. Nice trees and all but not enough nice grounds to stroll on. I walked on the field to get a view (it's on a small lump, smaller than bukit timah lump can you believe it!) and came trotting back double quick for fear of snakes. Not exactly tranquil right. Tried sitting on the swing to think for a while but were preoccupied with ppl walking past and me wondering if they were wonderign about me and the company of two juicy mosquitoes.

The swing was creaking pretty noisily, and teh signboard DID say it was for 12 and below (but heck the english was rubbed off and I told myself I could pretend I can't read chinese),, so it wasn't really fun. The only nice part was the sounds of the seminary ppl singing "I will be still and know that you are God" wafting though the air over to where I was seated with the mosquitoes.
Ah well, frasers hill is better. At least you have more solitude without those uninvited mosquitoes.

*The bumps at night.
*The dead rat outside my window which I watched the process of its decomposition day after day. Yes, in rain and in shine.
* Erm, yeah. I'm too lazy. Anyways, talking about looking at flowers and marvelling at the intensity (and just the right shade too!) of teh colours don't mean much. When that can be done again.

So i'm back and quite at a loss of what I (want to or should) be doing.

Whose Line Is It Anyway? Romance with the Captain

2008-03-01T18:34:00.001+08:00

Whose Line is it Anyway - weird party with ryan as a foal

2008-03-01T16:58:00.001+08:00

my cheeks hurt

Whose Line is it anyway - Lets make a date

2008-03-01T14:57:00.001+08:00

For Chian: A Friend in KL

2008-02-28T23:41:00.002+08:00

HAHA!

So going to embarass you here chian.
Well, but then again, the only person who reads my blog (then again, prob not) and knows you is debo. Mmmhmm, yup.

Okay so chian was like my ex-roomate.
Erm, the first time I came into contact with her was with her nanyang uniform. You see, she was accidently placed in my room, and when i had arrived, she was out. So I opened the cupboard and exclaimed,

Eew, from nanyang one!

Haha and thought she was from China.

Haha. So the poor girl had to move again when she came back at night. And to think of it now, so sweet she left me a green angel key chain with the keys intact.
Tells you a lot about how nice she is right? HAHA

Yeah, so the first year we stayed on different floors, and i guess I got to know her better through deborah and michelle? I think. Sheez I can't remember stuff.
I remember going to her room and eating her food. Yeah. and it was always quite messy. Honest!
haha

Then there was this time when she wore my RM 15 heels, and ran, and broke it. But I guess it was a good thing cos those were pretty tacky i mean. But they were cheap and not sky high. But a fashion faux-paus no doubt. So thanks Chian!

Yeah, then second year she only stayed with me cos I was a last resort!;)
Yeah and it was her that introed me to all the gossip sites and all!tsk!
Yeah and it was that year that I treated her quite badly. Haha but she claims she can't remember. Must have been so traumatising for her.
:D,i mean :(

So here is my apology chian. XD

Hmm I think I should list some memories in case down the road everything becomes fuzzy. Good and bad okay. (the bad is the ill-treatment towards her.)

Good:
1) World Cup cam-whoring.
2) ...

Erm too lazy.

MAybe next tiem

Waiting

2008-02-22T01:25:00.002+08:00

I'm currently waiting for college ppl to reply my msgs. (I hope they reply soon.. They should have gmail or something and keep their windows open so it automatically reloads.)

Sigh.

I kinda almost finished my Calvin essays, so that should be the last of college applications, save for undelivered materials here and there, which I am dealing with now.

I'm just wondering why I'm casting so wide a net when there is only one college that I am going to. Did I not ask God properly to direct me?

Bleh. I'm too tired to think.

So after sending in my Calvin application, I hope I don't have to do NTU, as I DO NOT have anymore certified documents, nor want to go to the lengths (or make someone) to get them certified. So God, if I am destined to go to NTU please send a clear message before it's too late. I don't want to be kiasu and tembak all.

//
Today, I almost died. My womb felt like it was beign ripped out. No, it was really like it was trying to contract its way out. I really almost died.
I paled, felt like puking, felt like vomiting. Then I prayed, "God, please take away the pain so I can have the clear mind to think of what to do." Haha I was pretty desperate to settle for a brief respite.

But soon enough, it became easier, and I fell asleep!
Yay.

I hope I don't get it tommorow, because tommorrow I will be out gallavanting with Chian in the streets of Chow Kit, arh i mean Bukit Bintang.

Still contemplating whether I should go back and change the dvd. After all, I already did wrong by buying it, so how can I demand my rights? It's like isn't there a new set of rules in this darker realm?

Huh.

Still no reply. So I shall go on, as I am sian of doing anything else like checking/reading my usual haunts.
As I predicted, the urge has all gone away. They only call when I am procrastinating.
Hmmm, i'll save you all the torture, cos sometimes, SOME PEOPLE THINK MY POSTS HAVE NO SUBSTANCE.
Btw, I am glad to know who that certain person is. Now I am no longer uncertain about bashing him/her. Haha. Kidding. Erm, not really. Aiyah you understand right Ro- I mean nameless person who says my posts have no substance.

Next week is march.O.o
I am going on a SILENT retreat from teh 2nd to the 8th. Pls pray that I will actually be meditating on God's word or in communication with Him instead of stoning. It's quite an expensive retreat.

Creeped

2008-02-19T19:19:00.003+08:00

I've added a tracking thingy. Cos I'm suspicious of unwanted visitors.

Ironically, I myself fear being founded of reading some people's blogs. Yeahlah what to do, don't want certain people to read your blog, yet reading other people's blog, not wanting them to know.

And today I found out why this maria_technosux turns up when I subscribe to myself using google reader. You know, to find out if people can find out I stalk them.

Turns out she linked me on one post. And I got kinda creeped out thinking those people judged my thoughts.

I read what I wrote last year, and couldn't remember what I meant by what I wrote. Huh.

Today my mom suggested all the things I could be doing, eg reading, baking...

and I had no interest. Right now all I want to do is surf blogs, youtube and waste time,
because I'm suppose to do my Calvin essays!

ergh.

But don't worry mom, once I have no more responsibilities, the internet will lose its appeal and I will find fullfillment in other more fullfilling activities.

Shit, will I be still as bad a procrastinator when I go to college?

Friends in KL

2008-02-17T23:50:00.002+08:00

I guess I better blog about this before I procrastinate and forget all about it.

The trip was:
fantastic!
well not really haha.

Because I was one stressed host and tour guide. I think I cannot make it lah.
I need more patience. And cool.

But here are the memories:
-Everyone saying how they miss me sooooo much! HAHAHA.
-Them telling me arrive at 1 when it was 2.30. and I didnt count. Poor daddy and I had to pretend to be interested in buying a proton.
-Following the ah bengs to lead us to sungei wang plaza.
-crossing off sungei wang as a shopping destination forever
-10 cm short skirt
-hand in mouth juice guy
-walking around looking for anh/yongjia & anh/jiayi (tsk anh, strike two alr! and you strike three later!)
-walking around trying to find pavillion
-making the decision to go to pavillion half-an-hour later
-oily face at la bodega
-yong jia flirting with waiter (lol! haha so sweet her smile. but she claims waiter was flirting with everyone)
-too much food. all our meals we had too much food. we must try to remember we are girls)
-the eye. weird white ppl which wasnt anything to watch. haha good thing we were late.
-shawna and rowena getting scared.
-horny ppl making out
-making a lot of noise when we had to go up again
-trying to find when we were at the top-most
-stupid taxi driver who had no air-cond but nice but blur other taxi driver
-tired. very. leg ache. shawna and rowena not sleeping then squashing jia yi.
- on the way to puduraya, with the weird taxi driver and his gun shot wound behind his head and nervous hair twirling.
-genting. being bad to that taxi driver who in the end tried to accomadate us. he even gave ang pau to the security guards. should have tipped him or gave him the oranges.
-RM51. for indoor we only enjoyed the bumper cars immensely. and maybe for me the roller coaster.yong jia was super embarrased of me screaming lol.
- the flyign coaster was cool . glad i tried it.
- overpriced food.
- ppl smoking next to a no smoking sign
-cool lion dance performance
- scary to death pirate train, where I gripped shawna's arm like mad, but anh and rowena came out sleeping -_____________-
- bumper car is so much fun in a big group and you dont have to play with strangers
- genting ripping ppl of by making them pay for rides alr paid for. not well maintained AT ALL.
- going up up up to look for arcade. but no time:( and we had alr spent somuch money
- flu ride!! my life flashed before my eyes. actually no. haha shawna our test run while we left jia yi all alone holding their bags. sorry jia yi! so nice!
- cable car where I scolded them. spoilt the mood. but thanks shawna!
- crazy looking bearded man who seemed to be following us and sat on the same bus behind the driver summore! I actually tried not to sleep in case he did something. And trying to think how we were going to climb out of the emergency exit
-anh and Co taxi gettting lost. spoke too harshly on the phone to anh. sorry.
- dinner. too much food but nice curry. thanks mummy!
- bathe. college apps for me:(
- stressed
- Dim sum for lunch. pufferfish goldfish.
- central market. foot massage. famous amos cookies that i realised were made of partially hydrogenated oil after that!!
- a lot of transversites.
- they actually didnt buy anything traditional to think of it.
- petaling street. dinner first
-finding a hard time looking. streets dont look clean and sharp and straight like on the map.
- went to a ok place but didnt order their speciality.
- cannot speak cantonese. stress. too expensive. stress
- tired
- didnt want to go back to petaling st cos it was so smoky and squeezey and nothing interesting, but thankfully ire wanted to so we went back and found a pretty decent cd store! Uncle very honest one (ironic), tell you when it is goood or bad quality. spent RM 90!!
- go back. jia yi make boy cry and give up his seat (haha kidding)
- bomb at station. why so many terrorists one ah?
- wait. bimbo cheers. recount study times
- jy and yj get educational talk on malaysia by my dad
- bathe.no, watch atonement first. jia yi ask questions that cannot be answered. library scence-uncomfortable laughter as mummy was there too.
- bathe. go down, play tetris with shawna in her sleeping bag.
- i sleep with irenaues. talk . anh and ire try to sleep.
- i fall asleep, wake up with ire SNORING!
- I cannnot sleep. try to. SNORE SNORE SNORE. I poke her. nudge.
- jia yi's camera. record.
- try to sleep. notice anh starts snoring too. at one point,
IRE: SNORE
anh: snore
Ire:SNORE
anh:snore
Ire: SNORE
anh: snore
........
like a symphony I tell you.
- bored, get up and take pictures of them sleeping. but nothing incriminating
- finally, lift ire's arms up and she turns around and stops snoring.
-goes back to sleep but wake up super tired
- mid valley
- lunch at penang cafe. dont order siamese lemak laksa. taste like assam and laksa mixed
- too much food again
- waiters morale very low. sometimes too grumpy when we ask for things
- tired
- try to shop. accessories mainly
-soon, time ran out. rush to buy something for rhat, buy food.
- hurry hurry.
- taxis dont want to go to bangsar or dont like me speaking english to them
- being ripped off. but not too much
- spoke too harshly on the phone to anh again. next time pretend you dont have auto-roaming;). yj in the background shouting "hurry! hurry!" to the taxi driver. Yj has proven to be a friend of all taxi drivers. they even show their daughter's results to her.
- my taxi driver dont knwo the way but kept quiet. Stupid. really. told him to drive faster, his nasal sounding voice, "oh yes ah" and not doing so really marked him as retarded.
- them leaving. too tired to feel really sad.

but now, I kinda miss them! if it wasnt so stressed I would be happy to have them live with me. haha.

Thanks for coming guys!
and thank you mummy and daddy for helping out and buying food for them.

Lies

2008-02-05T19:04:00.000+08:00

SIGH.
You know, I'm feeling a little strangled at this moment. I feel like I have covered up a lot of my honest true thoughts, for the sake of functioning socially at an acceptable level in this life.

Sigh.
But it does help me remain bearable to others and get me into a college (I hope?)

Prim and proper and pretentious emails are the second last straw I tell you.

Why do I want to go to all these schools? Well, I hear they're so good! and as long as not too many ppl complain about it, I'm fine with it. Seriously, everything top notch!

garh.

Oh no, what's this?
Spider webs and I'm caught in the middle.

-Trouble, Coldplay

LOL

2008-01-28T16:37:00.001+08:00

My dad phone rings, and as usual, he is nowhere near it.-_-
I grab it and run to wherever he most probably is, (usually the bedroom-napping).

I look at who's calling.

KENNY SEWER.

Haha! I guess it comes with working in the field of sewage treatment. (got the pun? treated like sewage?)

:D