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Hi!

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:47:00 +0000

oyful. Exams is shitty, was feeling very depressed while studying cos I'm always not on top of things. Can't remember what we were talking about, but A said if it's not exams, I'll be down about something else. Hmm I realise it's kinda true. But just lately studies have been a bane, and it gets me down. I hate it, it affects interaction with others. People don't like a negative person.

So I asked God, explicitly, haha, to make me happy. The Word tells us to be joyful and all, but most of the times its hard to force it to well up in one's soul. Especially sensitive souls that get affected so easily.

Yesterday, even after a bad paper.. could-have-would-have kind of thing, i was still feeling pretty ok, and it definitely is attributed to Him cos normally I would be in a sinkhole, esp it being a module I like and want to do well for. Ah.. I was glad that I was back at pine (been staying over at A's to study), and can go for a run. The run was good, after that I was even in a better mood to study, wasn't feeling tired and all.

It's not rainbows and care bears, but it's better. An improvement. That's something right?

(Initial cap from Daily Drop Cap)

Wow! Finally something neutral to post about

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:10:00 +0000

Today was the last of all the internal assessments.. tests, essays, reports, oral presentations.

Today was my oral presentation for my evolution module. They call it the oral confrontation component, sounds intimidating right? It can be, for some. Like this guy, he presented on the hypothesis that hermit crabs evolved from king crabs, and got almost totally killed by the panel cos one of them I postulate is a prof that specialises in crustaceans.. or maybe just that nus has a lot of research on crabs, so a lot of them are familiar with them. Oh man, and at first, I thought his presentation was sound. But one of the TAs pointed out his logic was flawed. So everything down the drain.

I presentated on PMS. Yeah haha. Thank God. I really did ask Him for a topic.. I borrowed a whole lot of books from the library (Adam's curse, the evolutionary biology of human female sexuality, "love of shopping" is not a gene, evolution and the BIG questions..) But in the end I chose PMS cos I WAS PMS-ing.

I realised that I was more irritable the past few days, esp with my roommate:( And pimples, and yesterday during training I was feeling so so shitty. Then played badly which caused my mood to dip even more.

Anyways, I well googled PMS and luckily wikipedia gave some possible evolutionary explanations for pms. Yup.. I think overall my presentation is ok, i could answer the questions.. Although i think if you think hard enough, the hypothesis that i presented is prob not that sound. Basically this guy says that PMS is a by-product of the "high" state you get when you're ovulating- when the highest chance of fertilisation happens. What this "high" state is basically how women feel at that time, increased sexual drive, you pay more attention to guys, flirt more, go to clubs more (yes this was substantiated by a paper!) really interesting. Basically it's so to get a mate lah.
So after ovulation is done, you feel relatively worse after the high. Like how you have to crash after a sugar high? something like that. So you're feeling the inverse of how you felt after the high, antisocial, less attractive, depressed. He also goes on to explain why not all women experience pms..

basically he's saying maybe if we look at this reason for why we have pms, we could find out the actual cause of pms, by finding out what causes the woman to behave in that "high" during ovulation.

my problem was that what about concealed ovulation, which is almost the opposite, you hide when you're ovulating so your mate will stay with you cos he can't guess when you're fertile, so he'll just keep copulating with you to maximise his chances. If he knew when you were ovulating, he would run around mating with females in their fertile phase. And you want to keep him by your side because in the past women cannot bring up a child by herself.. but now we can, just that evolution hasn't caught up yet.

So evolution can be pretty interesting.. it can explain why women live longer, men tend to stray.. sounds really immoral cause the life's ultimate aim- so says evolution- is to maximise the relative frequencies of your gene being passed down.

But deep down, i think there's something not right.. I haven't had the time to read and think about it, but i sometimes think evolution is making a lot of assumptions when it hypothesizes within its paradigm, ie everyone just want to propagate their genes, although the evo camp claims intelligent design/creationism has more assumptions.

Ah well, it's so stimulating that if i do make it to honours i'll might look into specialising in evolution. But the research isn't that interesting.. hm..

Oh and i came back and cooked. I decided to make baked pasta. I had fish, pasta and cheese. Wala! Wanted to use my housemate's canned mushroom soup, but decided against it as it's too much for one person. So i used what's left of the pesto, which isn't a lot, so i hope the pasta didn't dry out. I semi-fried the fish with coconut oil my mom gave, with onions and garlic. Then i mixed it with the pasta and pesto, added some lovely black olives, sprinkled cheddar cheese, and more garlic for that garlic bread effect? HAHa actually i have to fullfill my garlic intake, sort of. Ok it's done now going to eat it!

*edit*
kinda proud of myself, so must share! (btw, i'm discovering the power of onion and garlic.. no wonder almost all dishes cooked my mom always sautees onion and garlic first)

Relak Day

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 12:42:00 +0000

I'm glad there's nowhere to go tonight, just listening to Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
I'm glad there's no school tomorrow, so I don't have that nagging dreading feeling on my back.

Just watch the National Day Parade. First time. And first time as a PR! I probably won't go back to Malaysia to live, because to me KL is dirty, claustrophobic, messy, inconvenient, traffic. :/ What others appreciate about it, maybe the mamak stalls (I never went to it, don't like it-dirty), shopping? (hmm don't like seeing the prices in larger numbers heh). What else? Home is there, but to me home is where family is. Anyways, the location of my house is no longer nice, houses mushrooming up everywhere. Even on the small plot where I buried my tortoise:(

This week was really sweet besides floorball trainings. Monday was suppose to be a meet-up with IB friends, but - even as I type this I'm still quite awed/surprised/touched by what they did.
I'm 21 this year. I knew i'd be in KL on that day, so no big party for me yo. They surprised me on the day I left, even calling my dad to come a little later so they could surprise me with really good cake.:)
My family wanted to throw me a party, but really who's there to invite? I'm not the kind that loves big parties of acquaintances, all my sec school friends are overseas, besides, there's only a handful of lovelies I still keep in contact with. So anyways, I told myself or just felt why do I have to make 21 so special. It's a "norm" created, I don't have to accept it. Yet somehow, on that Monday, I don't know why, I suddenly pondered that this year the only celebrations was with my family and IB friends. I felt a sad kind of thankfulness that I had them.
(Okay I think this is going to be a long post. Stifle that yawn thank you.)
That monday I had went to complete my PR stuff, and Rowena gave me the impression that when I was done they would be ready. haha. When I was done, called her, she's still out buying "stuff", told me to take my time. Called anh, said she's running errands, thought everyone is only meeting at five. 5!! I growled.(Sorry anh!) Yes I am such a prima donna. I hate waiting with nothing to do. If I could plan sth it's ok, but when I'm caught unprepared I hate it. (That's why I don't like to be early. Bad habit, stemming from self-conciousness). Yes it was super grouchy of me, and I do realise, after my US trip with my sisters, that letting my bad mood/slightedness show isn't very nice.
It was really a surprise. When we entered I was wondering why Shawna was hiding behind the curtains- cheap thrill. When they started singing happy birthday I was like oops looking around shoots who's birthday is it? I forgot! Haha.
They really really really put in so much effort. So much details- the decorations, the props, the cake(awesommest ferrero-rocherish base ever), gifts(onitsuka tiger shoes!!- side story, on my 19th I brought them into an onitsuka tiger store, but felt too guilty to get them to buy me a pair:p and a holga! they tricked my by rowena pretending to be interested in getting one), theme (stripes,national day), venue(fun icon!), cards (huge, decorated with photos too!), food (Seriously, lovely food eg vietnamese, macaroons, sushi, fried stuff, cupcakes that had sweet but nice icing - who needs a part planner company?
These people gave me a really nice surprise on my 19th, like really nice- planned one where each would get on the train at a different station with a different present:D (Hey guys maybe we should make this an alternate year thing? Haha!)
The gifts were a delight- yes I'm materialistic. (The dress too Twink!). See the photos and it's pure unadulterated delight on my face. :D
I wish the night was longer, that all of us had nothing on the next day, that tiredness did not seep in...
:)

Tuesday's training was tough, emotionally. But the team trip to Kelong did me good, although the budget for a new stick is gone. The impromptu sharing revealed a lot, made me feel less alone. It's really hard for me now, esp with my confidence issues which doesn't help my level of skill, which is lacking from the lack of trainings. In the past year I pulled out of competitions twice due to exams, so didn't learn much. I'm the slowest, least skilled player in the team now. I know I will improve, but at this point as a senior, I should be much much better. Then again, most of the team understands and hopefully the coach as well.

Aiyah Prisca just put in more effort and stop worrying!

Wednesday to Friday I went for the Navigators camp. Hmm, I didn't join the Navs last year, cos I had a (mistaken) impression that they were a little bit weird. Somehow, my dad met a graduate who stayed with a Nav couple. I actually was feeling a bit jaded from staying in hall. Like being stuck in the NUS bubble 24/7. Hall is not really a happy place for me. Superficial people get to me. Anyways, so there is a Nav apt that I'm looking into moving to.
Anyways, back to the camp. Nav ppl are super friendly. Of course there are moments of feeling out of place, but maybe I've matured, maybe it's different there, those moments didn't tarnish the whole experience. They are all super genuinely nice, and most importantly in a proactive way, ie much effort wasn't required to get to know them. Even the guys. It's a small group, so :)

Then saturday was floorball again. Met the coach properly for the first time. Had small group session before training. After a while he pulled me aside and said that I was afraid to make mistakes in front of him. And it's not helping cos he wouldn't know if I'm just nervous or lacking-in-skills. True. Something I have to work at, not just in floorball. Other than that, training was good. The pace is better, I hardly looked at the clock, when I did, was glad to find that time had passed quickly. Wasn't as tired. Learnt of course. Acquired 3 blisters and a headache. :( But this time no tingly feelings in my hand.

Sunday. Met cell. Glad to be back. Funny moments in cell. Cell lunch was kinda fun. Being fetched to the bus stop a bonus. Came back. Roommate home. (Hmm why am I doing the what I did blah blah blah).

Yup so will go running when the sun rises. School starts Tuesday.

Funny Day

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 13:17:00 +0000

I haven't blogged for eons not for the lack of things to say, but rather privacy issues. I'd rather not have some people know certain things, for irrational reasons somewhat. But it's so instinctive that it just broils up (that's the best expression I could think of to describe the feeling) and diminishes the desire as soon as I log in. Soon will come the day that I will be okay with it, cos I'm not gonna lock this blog or move somewhere else. It's been close to four years already!)

Today was a funny day, in both sense of the word. Weird and amusing. I'm not sure whether it's due to the movie I watched yesterday, Ice Age 3, where there were a few laughable moments (Quite a bit of adult jokes huh. Like the gay butterfly and the squirrel bedroom scene. It wasn't funny being in a cartoon.) ( I think I really can't find kiddy movies satisfying. The cliched storyline, and jokes that try too hard or think the audience is easy... only some moments here and there, when you let your guard/expectations down a little.

Anyways, this morning, before waking up, I had dream after dream where I actually laughed. It was all school-related, either the setting or the people, involving very bizarre situations, and all pretty funny. But I can't remember now. Dreams are really like elusive wisps of __(insert something poetic)___.

Then in the car to work I kept on finding so many things funny, but not lol-ing lah.

And today was a pretty good day, considering how moody the past few weeks have been.

Ah a burst of sunbeam

In conclusion?

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 20:16:00 +0000

One of my problems with sociology is I feel that you end up with a bunch of theories in hand that offer possible explanations for something, but nothing concrete.
So you have to choose one and take a stand, says my tutor.
He also says everything is relative, or something like that. (I'm not sure if he said everything..)

I do subscribe to relativism, well most of the time, cos I do believe we don't know the truth. I think I've talked about this before, like how can I say that your God is wrong while you could say the same of mine.

But, but I do have my faith and convictions.

Still deep deep (deep down sounded cliche-d) I knew relativism was inconclusive, that it was there to breed tolerance and maintain peace.
And the problem with it that there was no truth, no absolutes. And I believe in a God that is all-knowing, thus there was an absolute truth. So very very uncomfortable I feel when we are forced to conclude that everything is relative.
But that's because we as man cannot know.

Is that why we need faith? For I will never never possess the knowledge that concludes my God is God. (no evidence is infallible- man's limit)

With that faith, I believe in the little that He reveals to us in His book, or however He wishes.
I obey His laws, that stem from his knowledge of truth, that I may have this yardstick to carry on with my life, cos I do find relativism rather paralysing, when you cannot act because uncertainty always plagues, ie you never know if you're doing the "right" thing.

With my limits in mind, (I really really have this small nagging feeling I haven't completed this thought process yet), perhaps in another year, or after another discussion I will come to another conclusion.

//
I tried reading back to the end of 2007, trying to remember how it was. Hmm but I didn't blog much, and I guess the stress was spread out, with all the projects and stuff. Now, everything pretty much hinges on the final exam. or so it feels.
Anyways, I find a certain distance from the person speaking say in October 07, some lines I cannot remember why I wrote. And this person, who speaks so, so brash, so teenage-like. Using a lot of "like" and so on so on.
Maybe I'm still the same. But nowadays I'm more inhibited (or being policed), or well, there are walls between me and you, the reader. Today I got this feeling that it's been so long, so long, since I've had that connection, of sharing a part of me to a stranger. Which is something all together different from sharing the same woes to your close friends, who I guess is so used to it, that perhaps, it got a bit old, that they couldn't be cared for anymore. (not me, the woes) (or maybe we all have the same woes and wallow wallow wallow) or maybe I don't want to sound like broken record, burdening and burdening. (though I do which I'm sure anh and rowe will testify)

*I know, what's up with the repetition? haha I guess from a lit pov, the echoing is a sense of despondence, wailing? haha*

I feel this dissatisfaction is so wrong, the crave for a kind of human company. That it means I'm not fitting right with God.

Being yours is suppose to be easy, innit?

Worldview

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:06:00 +0000

Reading my (American) sociology textbook, reading the chapter on deviance and crime.

Reading on how different theories explain causes of deviance and crime.

When I find myself agreeing, I realise it's because it's something I watched in movies.

Scary huh, I readily absorb what I see in movies as the real thing. True, many depict things realistically, but many don't. Even many that portray a true story colour things a bit. Documentaries can be biased and don't show you the whole thing.

So how now?

theories theories theories = not the truth

So depressing

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:04:00 +0000

Haha. I do realise that recently my posts have been written on the spur of welling up of negative emotions.

I do think I choose to be negative, mostly about life now, especially since I'm trapped (note choice of word) in this NUS bubble. Staying in hall is a cause. But then again, even if I stayed off campus, I don't know if I'd have much of a life. Hmm. But I would like to imagine living a mix of this and this. Like do art, photography (going to places to shoot), visiting museums, obscure interesting places in singapore, sitting in idyllic cafes for long hours reading/chatting, nostalgic nature walks. Time to ponder and reflect I guess.

I think it's possible to be passionate about hall life and stuff, ..*thinking, becoming down about it*... ahem, maybe next sem yea. Heh, optimistic yes?

So let me tell you something funny that happened the other day.

I went running at night (Oh shoots that reminds me I haven't change my contact lens solution! it's been more than 3 days:( ). Yup I went running alone, it was about 11pm. Now now I've considered the dangers, but it was on campus and I planned to stick to the main roads.
So I got a good pace (rare esp with no one to pace me), and then this car coming in the opp direction (see I am cautious, a true KLite huh), slows and obviously would be someone asking for directions.
Sure enough, this guy wanted to know where McDonald's was. Here's how the conversation went:
(Let's call him McLoser as you'll see why later. I know labeling but you'll see he really deserves it)

McLoser: Hey do you know where McDonald's is?
Me: Erm, *thinks*, you turn left at the roundabout.. then...*thinks how complicated it is. It is!* I don't think it's open now (11 plus yousee). Why don't you try the West Coast one. You go this way...
McLoser: Oh oh the NTU one closes at 12am, so should be still open la. Anyways, it's cheaper here:D
Me: *ROLLS EYES* (as you can see loser trait number one: now a penny saved is a penny gained, but when you're so driven to save a few bucks even when you can't find the place. and if you have a car I"m sure you can afford a meal that cost a few more. Anyways, if you really wanted to save money you wouldn't be buying Macs.) Erm okay, you go straight, turn left at the roundabout, then you'll see *thinks of Central Libray, and Macs will be on the right, but he's in a car! How do you direct him to park and walk.....argh..*
McLoser: Nevermind, which building is it?
Me: Engin *thinks hello it is so big you think you can find it?*
McLoser: Oh okay, cos I use to be a student here.

Me: ----------------________________________________-------------------------

McLoser: Which faculty are you from ah?
Me: erm.. science.
McLoser: Oh me too me too. You stay in hall is it?
Me: erm.. yeah.. *starts turnign my body away at this point*
McLoser: Oh I see I see..*mumbles something I can't remember as I start to semi-panic*
Me: *interrupts him* Ok bye! *Starts jogging*
McLoser: Oh ok ok, thanks, nice to meet you.
I RUN.

Ok so nothing right, continue running.

Then.

Horrors. Out of the corner of my eye I see headlights coming from behind and the car slows down.

He follows me, shouting from the other side of the road,
McLoser: Hey thanks ah, but I decided to go to NUH to eat alr.
Me: *thinks wouldn't NUH be closed at this time? !!dodgy liar!!* Ok great!(Good for you!) Bye! *turns to run off*
McLoser: ok bye bye.. Hey hey! My name is Peter! What's your name?
Me: (Am so stunned I completely stop at this moment) *thinks furtively for a fake name. Mind blanks* -Prisca. (cringes inwardly)
McLoser: Oh nice to meet you Prisca.
Me: Ok *painful smile* Bye! *starts running*
McLoser: Oh bye, bye!.... Oh oh hey would you be interested in meeting up sometime?
Me: *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzmmp* (you know that sound effect in videos when everything stops because of something incredulous being said?) (I'm lost for words. Actually I was thinking of shouting Get Lost or something ruder and was struggling internally.).... N.o.t. i.n.t.e.r.e.s.t.e.d.
McLoser: ok *mumbles mumbles*
Me: Bye *runs off without caring whether he's still talking*

At this point I'm completely freaked. I think he made a U-turn. Because of it, I debated whether to run the route as it passed quite an isolated road. Anyways, I turned, and on my way back I saw a car idling by the road near SDE, so being paranoid it could be him trying to track which hall I stayed in, I ran through library.

Yup, so hope you found that entertaining. Cos I did, freaked out and all.

Where there is no God,

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 14:16:00 +0000

there is no meaning.

and this "where", applies to our friendship too.

Oh how I would like for that to be true. But God loves you too. And God wants to be "there".

But your apathy cuts deep. Funny how your indifference makes such a difference in me.

Cringe

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 17:50:00 +0000

I put a note on facebook regarding something I was trying to figure out,
and then when I went away, stepped back, I realised it was simple and.. ?

Then the replies came in, and I felt.. so stupid. I mean so ignorant. Not a bad ignorant, just lacking knowledge. I suppose I should accept it humbly instead of feeling stupid, but I can;t help but cringe.

Ah well, shameful as it is, baby steps.

Solitary

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 14:06:00 +0000

To exist like a flower, like an island. Maybe a visit from the bee once in a while.

Tagged by Sammy

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:59:00 +0000

As promised, doing this now, cos I thought of one thing for:

16 Random Facts About Me-

1) I'll be glad when I'm 21 not because I can drive/smoke/drink whatever legal thing, but because I won't have to find a guardian/parent to sign forms! Ugh esp when they're not with you.

2) I like listening to music when I'm out walking, makes it feel like my life is a music video. (Ipod earphones are better at this)

3) I feel guilty when I press next when a hillsong song comes up in shuffle. Either I don't enjoy the music, or I compartmentalise it... Uh oh.

4) I don't really like chocolate. It gets old.

5) Chips draw me but when I start eating them, I find I dislike the msg-ish taste it leaves in my mouth immensely.

6) I am messy, but hyggienic. More so when it comes to food.

7) I am easily affected by the conduct of people around me.

8) Sometimes I like to pretend that my life is romanticised-tically emo. That's why I like this wee morning hours and listening to music.

9) I am easily attracted. I'm not so serious enough to consider a crush as really really liking the person.

10) I seriously like my birthdate, 26th May. It sounds good together.

11) I'm glad I'm Prisca and not Priscilla. Totally not me.

12) I dislike most names that start with P (except mine of course), like Peggy, Petunia, Patty, Posh if you consider that a name.

13) I'm materialistic. Hence receiving presents and shopping (buying things) are short-lived happy moments for me. Sad, yes.

14)I have really bad skin now. I mean I itch and itch. Like now:(

15) I do what I want, yet it's not really what I want.

16) I wish I had a smaller butt. Humph.

Phunk

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:46:00 +0000

School is starting, everyone's asking,

"So, looking forward to the new semester?"

Not really, well since at this point I haven't gotten enough modules, yet. And that it's pretty crucial I do very well.

Today was a good day, a good day in this point of time when I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of phunk. A phunk where there is such relief when I find out I don't have any sort of training, and I can just laze and do what I want.

The dread that there is something coming up, when all I want to do is just stay in my room.

Brief moments of being free from that dreaded something has to be done/faced, but then time passes, and then the burden climbs back on.

Even in my 6 months of doing nothing while waiting for uni, well there were brief periods of time when I really had no obligations/responsibilities, I'm sure I told myself to savour and remember that moment, but I have no memory of it now.

I need peace I guess, and start the engine.

White Oleander

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 14:34:00 +0000

Astrid- I want to be like an artist like her.

Meal to meal

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 10:07:00 +0000

TOBEY DIED.

Phew.

Haha. Quite sad. Sorry, death by nectarine. The nectarine juice started bleeding, and it flooded the container a little, and i think Tobey just drowned.

Poor Tobey, never got his dream of being released into the bushes of temasek hall.

Wordle

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 10:00:00 +0000

Tobey

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 15:26:00 +0000

It's getting to be a bit too much.

You see, I have a mealworm as a pet. Gross, yes I know. But he wasn't so gross when he entertained me during the failed lsm1201 prac, wasn't icky to touch because previously I had overcame my jitteriness to touch the crickets with my bare hands.

So I brought him back. Fed him apples, cereal, what not.

The food attracted ants, but nevermind, ants don't really annoy me. But they've become more and more numerous, attacking any food I leave on my table. Like today the fried rice I ta-paued from breakfast.

And then I recently bought some nectarines, and gave him the core. NOW, EWW IT IS SO GROSS. Because the necatarine is so juicy, a wet kind of fungus is growing on it!!!

I think it's time to release him intot he while. I cannot endure this for another 13 molts he has to go before he turns into a beetle.

Fungus contamination scares me. Those spores!!

Messy

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:58:00 +0000

I just wanna pack up and go hike the Himalayas or something.

Far far away from civilisations. Disappointments. Confusions.

One minute I'm so sure of my philosophy on some things in life, then something comes along to contradict it.

One minute these things are so trivial, so suck it up, stop wallowing look at the big picture! Then it overwhelms and I'm pulled down by this heaviness.

Maybe this state of mind has to do with my post-exam apocalyptic desk.

I really need to get out. No not to commercial places where my money will be left behind, but a forest or a glade or something.

I really, really need to get away.

Would you just count your blessings and look outwards..

H.O.L.I.D.A.Y!

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 13:06:00 +0000

Hello it's the holidays. I went out yesterday, had a taste of what the materialistic world wanted me to buy, I shrank back in fear. SIGH. The commercialised christmas that makes you think you can celebrate christmas like you're in america doesn't help either.

So while going out with friends is fun fun fun, it always involves a lot of moolah. Which I don't have, and when you're running low, it's no fun fun fun anymore. Besides, I want to use the money for other things, like.....

RESOURCES for my art and craft projects.. COS THIS MONTH IS ART MONTH.

Yes I will try my hand at it. :D:D:D
So instead of onitsuka tiger (:( but they have such nice desings this season! and my old nikes are falling apart), shootsac (hello 50% off! but then again i only have one lens now. should save up for that instead, audiotechnica (they have this super cute button headphones!!! :( sennheiser is better but not as aesthetically cool), and *insert clothes brand here* getting my money, artfriend shall benefit instead!:)

hrm. yeah so I hope I have a productive month, besides dealing with acapella stuff, hall trainings, I will go to the library more, read in cafes more, with minimum expenditure of course, visit art galleries/museums, take pictures in the quaintest parts of singapore, late night drive-bys...

maybe some volunteerting too? so inward my planned activities are.

anyways, I wish i had a nice house to slack in, cos staying here in drabby hall makes you wanna get out. but that'll cost money.
i was looking at the service apartments while waiting for the bus at orchard and i realy wanted to be in a comfy hotel-ish bed with thick fluffy comforter and maroon coloured-walls that looks so luxurious under the incandescent lighting. sigh..

Today must be a turning point. It has to be.

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:49:00 +0000

Today was the mother of all papers. (Is that even right? I'm too tired to think it out).

It came to this. I sit there, I recognize the reagents from my (last minute, but slow, cos I really tried to understand and not cram) revision, but could not remember what reactions are they.

I sat there thinking, "Is this a mental block?" I stopped, I prayed. I didn't feel that tensed. But I really think I needed to go through those reactions over and over again, write it down, figure it in and out, to actually remember them.

I've never felt so defeated, it's not final exams, but it feels like it. So it's different when you can't do any questions in a test and when you can't do any questions in the final exam. I thought of walking out, cos it was like every question was ....

Why am I talking about it. Ergh

anyways, I did cry, but for different reasons. I'm quite okay about taking this module again. I mean after going through the revision for it, if I get it right it's okay.

The day ended well, after the tears was tuition. hahaha. that's not the "well" part. My old hostel has Wii for the residents now! SO NOT FAIR. After I left, they got a fantastic caterer, a gym, a nice tv lounge with aircon and a 60-inch tv screen, and now Wii, and after mentioning they should get Rock Band, they said it will be under next year's budget!! What!!! I would go back to stay in a heartbeat if I had my friends there with me:(

11th floor *dig nose!* haha deb...

Thereafter, as I as potato-ing in front of the tv, vicky ho my wonderful wonderful cell leader called! She brought toffee nut coffee and caramelised hazelnut chocolate chip muffin. I'm only specifying it cos only got to know a lot of starbuck afficiendos out there.

Anyways, it was good, good in a different way cos the people we met were older, so in a way mature, something I need a reminder to strive towards. No unneccessary groaning of tests, you realised what a silly neurotic year one you can be.

I wish, that in this life, I could just drop everything and go explore doing art, taking photos, making cool stuff, paint, mould, draw, drape, go to florence, find music that touches that part of your being.

That i don't have to worry about consequences that may never happen at all.

(This post is crap and a lot of extra redundant stuff, but it isn't impt enough to edit. So enjoy:) )

I am, therefore I eat

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:43:00 +0000

Look at your iTunes list, use name of songs that describe your condition now in one paragraph:

Time is running out (Muse), I have exactly one week (barenaked ladies) to Murder 101 (the wallflowers). Literally. Everything is average nowadays (Kaiser Chiefs), especially my grades, which may be even less than average. I get knocked down (Smashmouth) unto my bed everday, I am so tired. Must be the Three flights of stairs (Yellowcard) I have to climb up everday. November has come (Gorillaz), and for once I am glad it has. This semester has been a Supermassive Black Hole (Muse). Everything has been Over My Head (The Fray). But but, Better Days Are Coming (The Goo Goo Dolls). I really am looking forward to Inter-Hall Games.

Heute

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 17:08:00 +0000

Today German tutorial went pretty well.
I actually read well, formed sentences well, the tutor was saying Gut! Instead of just Ya or Genauso.

:) maybe watching GNTM really helps.

Stressed about receiving calls now. Eeeps.

Basics

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:40:00 +0000

I have been consciously depressed, on and off lately, more so this week.

It has mainly to do with friends. I feel lonely, I have friends (or maybe friend, seems like it now) that I can rely on, but that friend doesn't seem to need to rely on me, so then it doesn't count. So then it comes to family, which is there for you, no matter what. But I'm not with them now.

I also found myself in situations where I am alone, and everyone around has or seems to have their tight-knit group. They talk to me sure, but I am outside.
And then friends that I taught I was in with, leave me outside, forgotten. And the friends that remember me, does not outweigh the hurt the other friends that forgot me caused. And to think of it, I love and treasure more the friend that remembered me, so why does it still get to me so?

The thing about guys, (yes it was a guy that I felt forgotten by), they're less sensitive no? So I was wondering if us girls should just accept it and move on. This was again brought up by another friend, who finds some guys too mcp and said we girls think too much. Which also brought up the fact that when we get to know the person better, we find faults and it's not rosy anymore. I feel it's better to be distant sometiems. To be someone who happily says hi to you, friendly. But that's it, not trying to be your good friend. Which could also be because i'm avoiding rejection. But whatever.

Anyways, after running, at night, which helps with the sorting through stuff in an emo way and talking to God trying to conquer that hill, things crystallized. And I had so much to say but now they're kinda lost.

Well, about reliance, there's God. But it has been hard, He's not tangible, you can't show Him to everyone, hey, He's with me. But then that's trying to please man. And they can see Him, in you.

Two songs while I was stretching down- Amazing grace(my chains are gone) and majesty.

Now, I've found the greatest love of all is mine..
I wanted to find that someone to rely on, to confide in, for him to need me too, but so so silly. I know I'm not ready, and the greatest love is just there for me to take! No wondering, no insecurity if He loves me as much, cos He loves me more, and always.

Your grace has found me just as I am
I was wondering, am I not fun enough, is there something wrong with me, that they leave me out, forget me (but then again it could be some miscommunication cos the girl expected me to be there. see I'm thinking too much again, I wish I was omniscient, or the all-knowing all present one) Then as the thoughts ran, I knew they were lies, cos I am fine.
But no matter what I am, good or bad, (bad most of the time sometimes), God likes me.

And the think about guys being different from girls, you know sensitivity or how we girls need to go deep in friendships, we don't just ignore and move on. Guys will have to know we girls are like that, and try to accomadate. We girls the same, and meet halfway. Sorry, so basic right. All said in books. Books also say, we should be open to trust, to shy away right?

It's all there, everyone goes through it.

Sad

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:50:00 +0000

Great days don't end well I guess. Or when you don't seize it I guess.

XX

I'm choosing the wrong people to be in my "core" group.
It's hard to rely on You alone, when you're all alone.

This is a lonely place.

And it feels like it's been this way forever.

Why I held on so tight

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 03:05:00 +0000

Joining floorball was like, a fluke.
Before I kinda diskliked floorball cos you had to bend down (or so i thought) to play, so it was stupid.
I went for the trials randomly just to accompany xin ling. However, as i passed each stage of the trials, it became more tempting to join. Mainly , because after lost glory from not being able to be in any TEAM since I came to singapore, I wanted to be in a school team. My netball "career" that i had in kl still stings, all because of that particular incident when i unknowingly wore contacts on the competition day, when i never previously done so during practise. and the focal distance is different, hence no shots. And I had this teammate, and maybe she is a better player, but she went on to represent KL, and that year they won the championship. So all the "what ifs". (but then again, she's in UK, erm, without netball being the hightlight of her life. and I don't regret coming here. hrm maybe that's why that happened, netball would have held me back).

ANYWAYS, so I joined floorball, no experience whatsoever, just to be playing in a competitive sport. And I love it. I love the feeling after every training, when I feel so.. so "professional", trained. I use to envy sportsmen, with their shoe bags and tanned muscles, but now I'm (almost) one! Hah.

I got accepted into the provisional team, which is beyond my expectations. You see, floorball in nus has like two strings, the first is the team that plays in the official inter-varsity games, and then there is a second string that gets to play in the second division club league. Usually, noob players go to the second string and then they improve and get into first string the following year. Me, being lousier than most in the team, was really surprised i got in. But I didn't want to. Cos I can't be still training thrice a week and try to be ready in time for the final exams. Not possible. And I have to say, sometimes, actually most of the time, it was tiring, stressful to go for trainings. Now that I only have it once a week, I look forward to it and the tiring part is okay cos it's only once a week and i have the rest of it to rest.

Just to share something that has made me glad, that I think I did the right thing to stick to floorball although my schedule was killing me. I emailed the coach to say I wanted out from the provisional team, and here's his reply.

Hi Prisca,

Thank you for the notice.

I understood your situation and I respect your decision. Afterall, studies is the top priority still.

On a side note, I'd just like to let you know that you are selected to be in provi team because you have shown great improvements over the past weeks. In fact, we feel that you have been one of most fast-improving juniors in the team. It's a pity you have to stop now but as soon as you come back for training, do continue to train hard so you will be able to catch up with the rest. Have more confidence with yourself and believe in your abilities!

Polar

noreply@blogger.com (hellagoodin) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:35:00 +0000

I'm the horribleest girl in the whole world.
So mean, so bad to the people who love me the most.

Conflicting feelings when i'm with them, when i'm away from them.

Sorry sorry sorry.

but most importantly, thank you.