Too Mafan

I am someone who normally is too afraid to take action because I think it is too mafan, all too scary to handle, that I don't even consider if the outcome is worth it.

Take the most recent, my planned "internship" in Vietnam. I just had a talk with my friend, and now the trip has a 50-50 chance of ppt-ing. (oh dear chem people I forgot what ppt stands for!!!!!!!! Oh Mrs Goh, you're probably turning in your grave now. perspiring?perspication, percipitate? precipitate!correct?)

Anyways, thinking of how I may be a nuisance, and all the details unsettled I can't book the air ticket but the prices are going up everyday, I may have to wear office clothes or just not jeans but I can't fit into my non-jeans pants. (To side track, I manage to return to my previous "!!-I can't-hit-this-weight. )

And to think a whole month! A whole month what am I going to do, people will be speaking vietnamses all around, it's just me you know, what if I have a cold war with my friend?? and what about the bangkok trip? how much will it cost?

The other thing is uni applications. At this state, I think it wouldn't hurt to apply to more unis (you know lower ranking ones that are need-blind) but then again to go through that nightmare-of-a-applying, too troublesome, i'm just too lazy. Ah there I go not considering how TROUBLESOME it may be that I will be university-less. It scares me, well not quite, but how sometimes like the reality of the outcome can't hit me hard enough to pedal faster. Like while I was studying for my exams, or rather not studying, no matter how much I psyched myself to think if I don't do well I can't go where I want to but the thing is I still turn to my laptop. (Now mummy please don't start).

Maybe it's because I've never been in that desolate situation before? God has always been gracious though I think I never studied hard to deserve it.

Yeah so then my mom tells me how she's trying to set up a meeting with the dean of finaid and I'm thinking if I were her I would feel argh this is so hard, I mean people-wise. Like being afraid people don't want to see you. But then again, hello prisca, being persistent is nothign wrong. I'm overthinking it, they may be perfectly fine and the meeting might turn out so well like how situations like this in mylife has happened and turn out so well that I thank God for it. And those terrible situations I get over it that I can hardly recall much.

See see see.... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

I would say,..... I Am cheating myself, why am I not a go-getter, I just sit here and want to be bigger and all that, but I am... ugh I can't even bring myself to give that excuse.

This isn't just about uni and all that you know, even stuff like photography, I keep saying I'm.......................................................................

EDIT!!
That was a rant written a few weeks ago.
Let's see, NOw, I'm:
-going to vietnam for that "internship", feeling less anxious about it already. Excited even! Namely because I'll be bringing my new camera (hopefully) to Vietnam to take some delicious photos.
-Which brings me to address the last point of rant. So I AM doing something about photography. Let's see how I progress to be able to talk techie- UGH.
-going to NUS! After all the uncertainty and forgetting to trust God about it, accepted AND with a scholarship. Phew. Dropped any thoughts about applyign to more US colleges like a hot coal.

Funny thing is, when I was young and full of myself I thought there wouldn't be much problem getting into US colleges. That's why I didn't think of applyign to more less selective ones rather than having almost all of them top and well-known. I thought yeah I would probably have more than one acceptance and prayed to God to show me CLEARLY where I should go. I suggested He close all other doors and leave that one door open.

SO, I guess that's what I got.. :D

Another thing to thank Him is for helping me pass my driver's test! I was soo so nervous, and seeing how people were crashing into the poles or flying across the slope scared me to see how nerves can get to you. I asked for His peace and was soon calm. Well some could say it's a psychological thing blah blah. Well i don't know. Talking about that, i don't remember who said this to me, but she said Jesus is the Prince of Peace, so when you need peace in your heart, you pray and call Him specifically the Prince of Peace and ask for peace. So that's what I always do. Especially before exams and stuff.

Yeah, so I was so calm and collected k. ;) Thanks to Him. When it was my turn to go up the slope, this lady who's car was on top ran across to the booth. (She failed terribly so I guess the temporary loss of mind). I stopped mid-slope and remembered (!) to balance the car and made it within the yellow bar. I think I wouldn't have been able to do all that if I was nervous and such.

Second thing, while waiting around I saw this burly instructor with those sunglasses that ain't friendly. I immediately thought," oh gosh I hope I don't get him" But immediately I thought of the Law of Attraction. So I thought, "ok, I HOPE I get him but I will be calm and prove that I can do it." Haha.
Now, I had recently watched the movie "secret" on the LOA and although I don't really believe it, it still affects me. Haha. As you would expect, I did get him!
He was so weird. He wouldn't let me adjust the mirror on his side saying he needed to look in it. Okaay. At least he laughed about not tricking me. Then we started. But things soon went pretty downhill. He scolded me impatiently for stopping at places I should stop because there were no cars, then for being too slow when I turn... I was so scared that I would be failed at that time but just felt unjustified. So when we reached back the way he wordlessly pass me my slip I thought I was a goner. But lo and behold 17/20! Passing is 16/20. Praise the Lord. The instructor was fair I guess. All the mistakes he noted I did do. And he did guide me along, like where to turn and such.

(Ugh I'm pretty disgusted at what I wrote about the driving test but nah too lazy to edit and I want to keep it for memories sake. So pardon me)

I want to watch Wanted. It has james mcavoy and angelina jolie. Angelina jolie is so so cool. As an action actress. so so cool.

Private

Today was a bad day. Thus, I'm feeling more depressed than usual.

Thus, I feel like talking out about sad states and stuff. But I feel like I can't, I don't want certain people to know. Then again why do I want to write it here instead of my own private diary?

Do I want people to know that I am sad? I just read someone's else's blog, and she can write about her kids and then write about personal stuff. Makes me feel a little better about the whole I feel inhibited thing.

Actually, the problem is, if I write about it, some people will take it, thinking they can fix it, but they actually don't understand, and it really gets to me.

Yeah I am an angry/messed up tangle.I'm doing everything wrong but I don't care. I feel like I don't have complete freedom now to do what I want, but I think even if I have that freedom I wouldn't handle it right and things wouldn't be what I'd imagine it to be.

About relationships, sometimes I want to scream "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!!" yeah I know I should be asking that to myself.

So tell me, is it better I do not write stuff like this? Is it cringingly turn-off emo post?