shhh

I was in the library, waiting for my econs friends to finish with their paper review. I went to the Silent Reading Room, and Rachel H. was there, said hi, but sat at another table. (analyse). Two girls came in. I looked up said hi to the first one when she said hi and then looked down, not bothering to keep looking up to say hi to the girl behind her, because in the past, sometimes, she didnt say hi and I felt it was on purpose. (analyse). I went out to get some books, came back in, Rachel was gone. Moved my stuff to where she sat as the two girls had sat at the adjacent table to where my stuff was and they were directly behind me. In a big room like that, I felt it was awkward with us occupying a small area, and so close. So thats why I moved. (analyse)

Then one of their friends came in. I sometimes say hi to this girl. I looked up, but the friend was already talking to the two girls so I went back to my book. Then two more came in, these two are in a class of mine and I occasionally talk to them, but am not close or even slightly chummy with them. I didn't look up. (analyse) Because, I knew they weren't going to sit with me and hence, looking up and saying hi and smiling forcibly would make it even more pitiful when they sit down at that already almost crowded table while I sit by myself, my back not facing them.

They start to talk. Actually, the original two were already talking. but not too loudly. Now they are really loud. I try to tahan, cos if I get up and go, one, they might think I'm angry (I AM) and two, why should I go. (analyse) I sit there, barely able to read, tempted to SCREAM Can't you read the sign? It says silent reading room!!
But I don't. I'm still intimidated by them, even though I don't really like them. (Hmm, could be I don't really like them cos I'm intimidated by them, or the other way round). But the thing is, I go out again, trying to find my composure, and find an empty unlocked room. (to think of it now, I think it was God's small help for me).

I leave them in their loud laughter.

Now, I am in a big empty room. I care about what people may look in and see. A girl alone in a big empty room. I adopt a nonchalant posture. (analyse). I worry, and sms my friends to come quick!. some of them leave, I am tempted to look up to see who, but pride, or rather fear of seeing their reaction of me in the room alone keeps my gaze down.

Soon, my friends ( who I am thankful for) arrive. I am secure.

thoughts:
I should already have been secure- in Christ.

I guess if I tried (long ago), I could have been a mutual enough friend of theirs to join them. Then again not. my personality with theirs do not click. I can't think of many girls who in my position knows them yet finds herself in a position where she can't join them without being inferior to them. Do you get it? Like joining them with your tail between your legs so just you won't be alone. Of course if there were close friends there wouldn't be a matter of pride. But then again, most likely my friends wouldn't leave me sitting alone by myself like that.

Anyways, lets say, even if I sat with them, I wouldnt want to be there. Today's recess is an instance. Where I sat with people I'm okay with, yet distant from. Forced enthusiasm. Worrying about the silence,thinking of what to fill it up with. Laughing at what the person finds funny at a level which I am not at. Wishing I was somewhere else and wish I didnt have to stay there but societal rules say I should sit there, I should sit there until everyone leaves. Bah.

So on one hand, I don't really really love these people and don't wish to spend awkward time with them. Yet, I still envy them. I envy that they never find themselves in a position where they're alone in the midst of people who are all chummy with each other.

Well, someone said No one is above their insecurities, so I guess I'll just leave this here. I mean, if those girls read this, its not really against them, just that they're personalities are far removed from mine(?). I don't wish to try try pretend- do it for the sake of being socially correct, interacting with them and then saying." actually I can't really talk to them." I want to say what I really do. Yes I do it on purpose, avoiding them, because thats me. Hypocrisy. fear even distaste drives my motivation to try not to pretend.

I could analyse my subconsciousness, that maybe deep down blah blah I.....
but these are my thoughts when faced with situations like this. You have different thoughts, which is my answer to why I can't think of any of my friends that would find themselves in this particular situation.

So at this stage, this is me. Please don't advice. I know what I could do to improve, since most people see this social behaviour as incorrect.

Sometimes I wish we never had secret sides of us we hide from each other, everyone manifests their real selves to the world, no good or bad, just different and unique, and all acceptable.