You know,

Today I was late. An honest mistake. TWO ALARM CLOCKS.

I got caught.

(I had already ran through the scene in my mind. I will calmly tell the *short* prefects my name and class, me, being in control and calm, dictating them what to do those cute little sec one prefects.esp the bald one)

unfortunately, did not turn out the way I expected. Yr 5 councillors. Too many unnecessary questions like "you're sitting for the morning paper?" TWICE.

But I did volunteer my name and class to that slightly incompetent councillor. (I'm sorry, too many unnecessary questions! and momentary indecisiveness.)

To think of it now, I could have given someone else's name. I tried to think of who, but couldn't. Which led me to think:

Is there really no one that I hate that much in school? (which means I'm not that bad?)

Or am I not malicious enough?

I think it's more I'm not malicious enough. But that means I do hate some people. Yes, I do dislike some people,but couldnt care less to hurt them.

But I do take personal insults to heart. And racism if some of you remember. But I guess I never act on it because God says revenge is his to decide. And I know, it wouldnt make things better no matter how many times you curse that person loudly without the person knowing.

Edit:
I reread this post, and I may have come off as cocky, esp in regard to my treatment of the yr 5 councillor. So..ugh..I guess. I mean, I wouldnt think I am like that, but I guess, maybe, if I was someone observing my thoughts I would be very disgusted. Hmm..
Also, it isn't because I'm not malicious or could not care less. It is because of the sad and unfortunate truth that I don't have the guts to do it. Its a good thing in a way, but a very sad excuse for not doing something wrong.

Question

Hello Adriene,

I'm sorry I don't know you, or I can't recall you.

So how do I know you or who are you?

Please commment.

Irrational Irritability

you know, I have this image that comes to my mind often these days.

It's a picture of a silent scream.


I've always wanted to scream and jump up during assembly, and that was in primary school.
But I really am FRUSTRATED. They say it's the stress, but I don't know, I don't feel stressed all the time you know.

>>

I just deleted what I said in a fit of emotions.
I can't say what I want to say. For its consequences.

I'm sorry I can't stand you. When I think of the good times, I feel sorry.
But not sorry when i try to tell you what you do that irritates me and you just give a slight nod and turn away.

I even tried to say it nicely. When I saw what you did, I envisioned myself screaming at you.

Cause that' what I really want to do. Scream, so that with the same magnitude you will change.

But I don't think you will. It's just you, and it isnt that bad that I will die because of it. But then again, emotionally, it is so life-sucking, holding it all inside, wordlessly cleaning up mess made by you as well.

The worse part is, there is always another side which I have to see, to see that it is not all your fault and I'm just being super picky.

That's the worst part. It's the part that makes me keep everything in, not letting it out, so that I won't hurt...

I couldn't say the last part cos it was mean.

And the right thing to do is not to be mean.

And doing the right thing is killing me. Well, God helped me with the other one.

You're just not fixed yet.

//
Today you said a really hurtful thing, not the first time. I just wish I could tell it to your face. I just did, but I erased it, because I don't want to damage the friendship we have. Although sometimes, it's not a balanced one. But in the good times, good times roll, and i won't think of all this. But now I do. The little unsaid sacrifices, the unsaid hurt caused by your words-

I just want to let you know.

but then again, once it comes out, I have to examine it, and realised it was all very one-sided, you have your perspective/side-of-story/argument/defence, which would render what I want to say a selfish, insecure statement.

But I can't keep it all inside.

I've tried to deal with it, to change my perspective, but maybe,

this time, why don't you stop instead. Give my feelings a rest, not having to deal with all this.