expressions of furrowed brows and heavy hearts

>:(

heheh. thats a funny emoticon.

anyways,
wanted to say some stuff. I can't make up my mind about blogging. I want to blog private stuff, yet if i keep the blog very very private, what's the point if there are hardly anyone reading? then yet again, why should i blog in such a way that increases readership. Ah, moderation they tell you then.

anyways,
i have to say this. bit cryptic, but it has to be said.

dear A,
I guess i'm pushing you away too. like i did with the other A-A' (but things are slowly working out with A'- i think) Its my fault, cos I'm worried about image, and then again, maybe you're not that wonderful to hang out with(that's a horrible thing to say but it feels like that) then again, things are ackward maybe because you came on too strong so i take steps back.
argh. i know you're gonna feel slighted by the sudden chilliness but the guilt just isn't strong enough to tear away the horrible worldly vines that i've let grow in me. I'm sorry but that isn't asdfgakjsd enough isn't it? You and A' were nice to me but this is how it is repaid. - -,

and dear A and B,
I think I perasan and therefore I dunno what to do about you and you. If you and I were meant to be great friends i hope it can happen. but i hope nothing stupid happens first.
yeah. n.o.t.h.i.n.g stupid.
yeah for one not beign able to break the plastic because because.....

when one is down, life overwhelms. wanting to run away, knowing that it is cyclic and they;ll be other same stuff comign your way, wondering why the complications are always bigger..then i think is livign life worth it? does it have to be a drag?
then again, one may say, you've got your perspectives all wrong, dear.
then again, when you're down you tell me that. Or whatever.

remind me when i'm happy to ask those questions, okay? i have a feeling the answers will be the same.
but then again, i am at a low.

there are a few things to be thankful today. one especially. my ex-youth leader, haha, james, smsed, was reminded of me today, then thought, he never really knew me, so, hence, asked me let's start now. So i shall be emailing him more about me.
Now ain't that grand. God has caused soemone to think of me today. yippy.
but soemhow, i dunno, nothing bad did happen today, and yet i am so down that i'm actually mocking that blessing if u havent noticed.

I'm sorry God.
I don't really want to post it but then i want to cos its my blog so dont comment on this or ask me about this ok?dont analyse me through this

the yellow ribbon project

On saturday,






there was this











then on wednesday...







then on Saturday,


in the studio






later at 4.30 we rush to ochard.
Everyone managed to squeeze onto the train except me(!) (even tim and ben with their bulky guitars strapped on)
hurhur
so while walking fast to taka it suddenly dawned upon me.
"this is the real thing! no mistakes k!"

and then
.
..
...

anticlimax lah
wrong kind of music i guess. or wrong kind of audience. bah. oh well. and (lousy!) sound system. humph, i'll never employ them no. (and this is NOT a case of carpenter blaming his tools)

but hey, at least i can say i've played at ochard road before u know!

haha. but seriously, this experience has really pushed me to up my drumming skills. at least i can roll more now. heh. and really aware that i don't hit confidently(!) (gosh so many exclamation marks for this one)

PS. the hot hot water melted all my marshmallows! or they evaporated. :(

This week

The past week passed. really fast?
a lot of things happened. more or less.
first there was swimming pe, and this time, i was less determined to lose weight. (couldnt be bothered lah! i mean who, especially a person who hatees to jog, would love to go run at 10 pm? instead i slept.

but IT WAS FUN.
really really. the chinese coach was super nice and encouraging ( ni xue de hen kuai oh!) haha. i learnt the frog style that day.(buh-low boabbles!)but ngyeh, this week i can't cos of u know.

then there was the yellow ribbon proj. but mroe of that when i get the pics.

BLOW BUBBLES!

PS i think my childhood dream of wanting to be a singer has been revived. how?

Fri 2:02 AM

some things i want to say but would be used to incriminate me:(

haha. anyways, youtube is the next best thing if you can;t download.

I just realise maybe i should revise my fundamental drum techniques. (use your wrist prisca! not arm muscles:( )

Sometimes I just want to disappear.

"now everybody knows that everybody goes to a better place
now everybody knows that everbody could be living their last days.
but hard times will come but we'll keep movin' on
we're movin on, keep movin on"
-these are the lyrics i heard from good charlotte's movin on. but its suppose to be
" NOT everybody knows everybody goes to a better place, NOt everybody knows that everybody could be livign their last days." hah means much more.
oh well .
2:17 sounds nice

:)

You know, it's the God-like qualities in friends that make me treasure them. yeah.

Today, there was a light storm cloud above me. Annoying. Couldn't shake it off.
It started thundering when I couldnt get my dinner. (sorry to rant, but the caterer worker just said no more food, and he avoided eye contact, and i knew they would usually cook something up if a certain authority was there, so I felt cheated. Hah! but I shouldnt eat too much lah. )

Then I asked God to take away the bad mood, and while I was showering, I was thinking over things, then I thanked God for something. Somehow, automatically, I started thinking I'm thankful for the sun, i'm thankful for the moon.. and if you've watched American Sweethearts, its something John Cusack does after being discharged from some weird New Age retreat place. Anyways, immediately I LAUGHED. haha. i mean, its usually not that funny. but I just felt it was God who gave me that thought. and my mood immediately lightened up. So thats why i decided to blog. =D

So while the sun;'s shining, I pray God will help me do what He;ll do if he was in my situation.
Haha.

i still cant grasp the enormity of it.

hey i just realized its 9/11 today.
I remember that day. rather that night.
me and my sis were watching tv. funny thing is, we dont usually watch the news, but somehow we switch to soem channel and there was it. the news of the planes crashing.
it didnt seem so big then.

Work!work! work!

shud i do my homework now? or wake up later? gah.
=(

Bus ride

On the bus, I had to sit next to someone. (I prefer alone)
But if i have to sit next to someone, *cross fingers and toes* I secretly hope its someone hot and interesting. haha.
But I ended up sitting next to a middle aged guy with untucked shirt. (I"m so shallow and evil!!)
He offered me grapes (i think after seeign he book which i was reading, How to Read The Bible For All Its Worth. (I know i know! How could I even be reading a book like that when I'm so shallow and mean. =( ))
then started talking to me.
erm.. okay... entertain lah.
but conversation was quite dry.
several times there were pauses..which were almost uncomfortable..
Then I would think to myself, Should I go back to my book? how do I bring closure to this conversation (which I don;t really want to carry on?)
Then he would pop another question.
So we talked for about 2 hours. but it wansnt verbal diarrhoea for sure.
but we talked about many many things. even maths and God.
I laughed, but either politely or at what I said=) haha
I dunno why I'm blogging about this, cos it seems i'm mocking him for beign a middle aged old man who couldnt entertain a teenage girl who seems to think she is just humouring him. (bleh)
But i guess i just wanna say, I HATE ACKWARD SOCIAL SITUATIONS.


Now back to studying.

the day yeeeee..... killed a spider with her chem notes

today was fiiineee....haha
we did something nice for a change, played BOaREd GamEs! haha.
I manage to amass 4910 of $$$$$. but couldnt top sweet but unscrupulous Irma.

Lemme tell you of a quirk i have.
I like the smell of my pillows!! which means i like my smell. (sue me!)
so, I have 3 pillows.
one for when i havent bathed but want to sleep,
one for the in-between, ie i'm kinda clean
and the last when I have just bathed.
Haha!
I do try to make my "clean" pillow smell nice by sleeping on it when i've just washed my hair. I mean my semi-dried hair.
But funnily, my "dirty" pillow smells the strongest, but of a good smell.
So.. I do smell good normally! haha!


*you know, I hate my bimbotic/airhead blogging. but seems like everytime i blog i jsut get into this mood.Maybe i shud change the colour of the window. Its too bimbotic. hrm hrm.

Of thanks

Yesterday night was International Night. I catwalked. Haha.
And from there, revelation came. Thanks to Enoch, I shall try to change. Thanks.
Now i shall go make a plane for this good friend of mine=)

Of problems and complicated things, they don't deserve to be blogged about. heheh

I'm cold and hungry. Seriously, maybe the rain has made the nights colder. And i missed dinner, so one is COLD and Hungry.

Thank you Lord for the people who signed up for the cleanup.
And for friends who still stay with me even when I'm inconsiderate and mean in a way.

does soil rot? I've kept them in a test tube for 2 weeks already. i'm scared to look.

Happy birthday Malaysia and Xin Ling=))