leavin on a jet plane

my sis is leaving on a jet plane soon....
I went to pick her up today.
I like that.
I like airports.(well most of them except those which are confusing crowded scary and user-unfriendly)
Now i'm sad. i wish time will stop and we get to do what we want.

I was thinking.
I like a person.
This person makes me happy, sad.
So if i get into a relationship with him, wouldnt he have a greater effect in my emotions.
It's scary.
What happens when you break up?
If he can cause a little heart break now, what more if we do get together then break up?
Will the happiness while the relationship lasts be worth it to suffer the heart ache?
Right now I don't think so. Then again, why am I so desperate for someone?
Go die lah.( I don't mean you, me him or anyone.)

snippets

carpal tunnel syndrome.

all the while i thought it was carpel tunnel syndrome. haha.(argh, i hate the font of blogger. somehow, along the way, it lost the ability to italicize certain words. grr. and u know what, i realise i spell the american way of Zzzz instead of Ssss for stuff like this but when i do work i know how to ignore spelling and spell realization as realisation=))

i'm starting to listen to my "sleep" playslist. imagine me with headphones on and sleepy and eyes and pimples! .-_-. haha! i made a face with pimples! *giggles* (no, actually i didnt gigle but I jsut felt liek putting it in.bleh)

hey gues what, haha using the shortcut wouldnt italicize everything. but i'm still confused. heehee..grr.. i'm in a confuddling mood now. incoherent. oh about sleep. for a long long time, i actually could go through the ceremony of preparing to go to bed. the best is when u've done all your homework, read a little and did something rewarding. and then u go and brush your teeth, floss it, brush it again with a little sensodyne, put on your retainers, put some zit-zapping (alliteration! sorry its new and exciting! (note emily from new moon)to me. )stuff on my stress pimples. and then, maybe if i'm good, i;ll drink some herbal cleanse. but then i'd have to rinse my retainers.
Then i'd clear my bed of junk, place one pillow where my head would lie, one next to me, and one for my feet or to hug. then i switch off all the lights and snuggle under my blanket.whee. happy. say a little prayer and soon..Zzzzzzzsss

A miracle, somehow, suddenly, i can change the font and the size. I swear, that function suddenly appeared out of nowhere! haha. =) hokay lets try some colors!!!

Green. of course. I heard that mrs PT made the announcement today for coastal cleanup. ashley said so far no response. but its only one day. haha. but then again, would i go? hmmm. not many ppl would . oh well .WE need A MIRACLE+).

this year;s love is only nice when its played during the movie, listening to it on its own is quite boring. humph. aiyo i'm beign so random and this is eating up on my beauty sleep. ah yes, last few days have been the OPPOSITE of tranquil. hur hur, kinda wasted the free given holiday on Friday=( then started on IOP, maths portfolio and TOK over the weekend. and till today morning. sigh. so so so much midnight oil. and praying God please let me wake up in time so I can finish my work or God i need a miracle,please help me complete .,.. by midnight so i can start on my.......
haihz. all the stress gave me a tension headache. there is more but i could get into trouble. but it got stuff done, and no its not plagiarism this time. (oops thats a confession grrr dont ask i haev repented) in the end,if not fully satisfied with my work, it is done, and done in time by a hair's breadth. IOP didnt go well, but oh well. I am so over it, SO MOVER OVER discouraging thoughts. bleh.

Today there was captain's ball. Was so looking forward to it. but didnt enjoy it much, haha maybe because i had so little playing time, little resentful of that, but i know its for the greater good of the class and so little positions to fill but so many candidates, u know? but i think we were a little too competition driven, maybe its because we were leading. hmmm. anyways, stayed in school till 6 plus playing basketball, netball, tortoise.. and just staying back in school. I like that. dunno y. so peaceful...with hardly anyone around in a place where there usually is a lot of people.(maybe thats why i enjoyed night cycling throught the CBD=))

Oh i forgot to talk about carpal tunnel syndrome! argh i hope i dont have it. but i have this tingling feeling on the tips of my fingers and palm. =( maybe it was from using the comp for 4 days straight. =(. and it is more prevalent in women because we have a narrower carpal tunnel. I NEED A CHIROPRACTOR!! for my way-not-straight-back-due-to-sitting-cross-legged-on-my-bed. I can FEEL my spine curving. ok shall sit in the position i learnt from my sis the chiropractor's pilates book. aaah thats better. oh adn it is said that chiropractic helps CTS too. yayness for chiropractor sisters. who earn big bucks too=D

Went for a run when i came back. I usually try to do it when I'm already wearing my sports bra=D. haha..hey i dowan saggy boobs k. not that they can sag considering the size they are=/.
ran one round, my warm up round. haha stopped to stretch(actually to catch my breath lah ok) then burmese guy with exquisite muscles jog past clapping twice to indicate that hello i should start my engine again. haha. so i run 2nd round. then walk a bit. then run 3rd round. actually it was half a round, i walked the rest. then started on 4th, and he jogged past and said "jia you!" I shouted back" I hate running!" heh. actually i like the idea of it, u know being able to run looong distances. I like reading Runner's Magazine, I like the idea of being a long distance runner. but i DON"T like it when i start losing my breath and i get stiches and my body starts getting heavy and all that jazz. However enjoy sprinting. Especially on smooth surfaces where i can fun faster. =D. but when my brain tells me "ooh you cant keep this speed up your muscles lack oxygen i lose the I'm movign so fast like the flight of a bird(some sort). sigh


My roommate is already asleep.I should switch off the lights. sigh. i wanted to do my homework since i was still in my chionging work mode but then the time flitted away. and my eyes grew tired.
oh I wanted to write this down. today, my maths teacher told me to take evening primrose oil for my "dysmenhorrea(?)" haha in other words mentrual cramps. and said how the younger i start the better for me when I get older and my eyes widened as i thought u mean i will get bad cramps when i go through post--i cant think of that thing. the thing middle aged women go through when their period stops blah blah. but the point is, she suddenly felt like a dear. then today as i reflected upon it, my dear mummy always have been telling me what to do that will help me, and yet i regard it as nagging. Oh dear, the difference between a frenger (friend yet stranger) and family is that family will still love you when you take them for granted. again and again. I love you mommy. XOXO.

nite nite.
(after switching to beta, I cant upload pics. bloddy toot)

i wish

i wish :
i wish i had done my work earlier
no, i wish i was a.. chinchilla. (?)
cos then i wouldnt have to go to school or college or whatever.
i'll miss out on happy moments and stuff but the best part is..
I WOULDNT KNOW.=D

sigh.(pin pin said,"why u always sigh one?")hah. blame it on sammer. she was the one to taught me how to say SIGH instead of sighing.

actually i wish i was doing my TOK now instead of typing this. but i came across something. I wish....(hidden smiles) haha enjoy the infatuation while it stays that way.=)

oh dear, i hope my mom won't tell me don't be distracted.

anyways, i realise my blog is super lousy. I don't write for people. i write whatever i want to. So,..sorry.

Haha to make it up i shall post a pic. okay?

wah piang(sorry if that expression is vulgar i have no idea what it means but it's sound is appropriate for what i feel or whatever k) anyways, wah piang(!) blogger dowan to upload my pic. so sorry loh. this will be a picless post. toodles!

CAke is a funny band with funny lyrics and good music. GO LISTEN!

you know, this past week hasnt been really good for me. I dunno why. To be in denial, i blame it on pre PMS. haha. for those of you who think that i didnt know the P in PMS stands for pre, i do. cos i dont htink my menses is coming anytime soon so its pre pre menstrual stress. ...(Got you! bet you thought i got the S in PMS wrong eh. i know its sickness.heheh!)
anyways, yeah been quite down. but can;'t complain. but i seem to get bouts of these downess. and usually struggling with the same issues. social problems. sigh. but then there are friends who are my saving grace. (but God is the top and ultimate savign grace)who make happy moments that i am not totally isolated and these moments sustain me. all the paranoid thoughts. i'm so shameful of them cos they're so analytical and so paranoid so its hard to share these problems with ppl. but just now, i read an email from my sis, and she told me that God is there for me to talk to, so just now while showering i just poured out things to him eventhough he knows it already. and it helps i guess. -)hmm hmm.

oh and yesterday was the breaking point.something happened which is my worst fear and nightmare and i was really upset(pissed and sad) so i ranted. and it was a post filled with such frustration and pessimism and awful like a pandora's box. and i was typing i'm gonna post it i dont care blah blah. but you know what? i clicked on the SAVE AS DRAFT button. so yea. saved. haha. thanks God. =D
(you knwo i didnt knw i typed thanks God instead of thank GOd?+D)

anyways, i shall count my blessings and no matter if it seems if i come back to the same problem square i shall sustain myself.

but i still wonder and wonder..
is there height discrimination?
what do ppl really think of me?
do i send out the wrong impression of myself?
am i less important to some of my friends?
but do I give them the same importance that I want them to give me?
can i deduce my importance to them from things like whether they mention me or write my name before their's? is think too much?haha maybe prisca some ppl dont think like you do.
yup thats about it.

a few incidents today. I come in to class adn find RUBBISH on my desk again. (I'm super hygienic k. so it really irked me. i'm the kind of person that doesnt sit on a chair if someone's shoes have been on it and i put pieces of toilet paper on the toilet seat even if it looks clean. so i am always #@#@ pissed to find stuff left on my table. ) so without thinking i just yelled" WHO LEFT THIS SHIT ON MY TABLE?" i'm sorry i used teh word shit, and worry what ppl will think of me. this mad woman who's vulgar. but i am @#!$! pissed lah. humph. and xinling was nice enuff to want to throw it away. but no! the person who left the stupid smelly balloon thing shud throw it away. ppl shouldnt get away with such irresponsible behavior. ppl who pollute the envrionment indiscriminately shud not get anything good. RARH!.
so stop leaving rubbish at my place, dont step on my chair, my bag, or my sweater. and DONT @#!%# PUT MY STUFF ON TEH FLOOR AND THEN STEP ON It! !#@()%*(#*%)@!!!!
and dont EAT STUFF THAT WERE LEFT IN MY DRAWER EVEN IF i DIDNT KNOW WHO PUT IT THERE> IT sTILL ISNT YOURS!!! the worst part was that the chair was full of footprints lah. as if there;s someone who hates me and purposely ate my stuff and left the wrappers and stepped on my chair. RARH. i dont care if u hate me. u dont matter.BLAH> i feel like putting a sticker that says dont litter on my table but i think ppl would do the opp just to irritate . BAH huMBUG!

okay. sorry for that rant. but things like that irk me lah sorry. i know ppl usually dont get so worked up over thigns like that,,,,....okay, maybe i shud try to keep my cool. but i seriously feel the injustice(!) when i have to quietly throw the stoopid rubbish away when i didnt put it there. okay. deep breath.

haha. i was quite happy at one point today. THANKS XIN LiNG! haha. heehee. and jen choc brand. so funny. haha. i'm glad jen u're not the kind that will get angry then become "hostile" love you for that. maybe thats why we all need GOd. yeah i sound so ignorantly righteous. hmm. by forming that conclusion cos it suits me. aiyah! this post is gettign too long.

eww, i just realised how lame some of my posts have been lately.
and lately i havent been in a very happy state of mind.
pre pre PMS?
gosh i hope so so i have something to blame this lowness on
but THANK GOD for friends I still have.
cos without them there wouldnt be sustaining moments in this low point to help me survive.
i'm thinking throught the same old thoughts again. trying to rationalise with new insights. should i accept it and accept that's who i am? can i change? is there any point in changing?
some incidents cause me to feel so lousy as a person sometimes. making mistakes.
i want to have someone to talk to but then who is there that can really listen and i feel safe telling it to? they're not in reach.
sometimes, you know the footprints in the beach poem, i wonder, why at the sad and low points in my life i just feel like everything becomes worse instead of better, so it could just lift my spirits a little. but then again, there are, but why cant the other situations be accomadating to me? isnt the problem hard to deal with already?

this is a really sappy post(i dont even know what's sappy) and just you know i'm pissed i'm revealing so much and i'll be even more freaking pissed if you take advantage of this vulnerability.

@#$%@ why do i have to wallow? but then again i try and try to look on the bright side but right now heck care. what happened to the so called "progress" i thought i was making? looks like i'm back to square one. jsut witht the bitter taste to think that i had moved on.

i'll probably regret posting this and should write stuff like this in my diary but h.ec.k ca.re

Nestum is comfort food

listening to alanis morissette.(female angst.rarh!)

you know i bought the premium library membership so i can borrow multimedia stuff but i've only borrowed cds like twice this yr? tsk tsktsk. and cant say much for books either. sigh. but i borrowed quidam!haha.

just finished a book by henri-cartier besson(?) forgot his name. hmm.. layout was very aesthetic, a big reason why i read the book. very harsh on some stuff on photography, styles which i employ, but heheh makes me less of a dilattante. =).

I wish i could get over my studies so i can do other stuff.

i don't want to sigh.

but



sigh.=(

A little miracle

I forgot to mention this in the last post.
I decided to pon the first day of music min retreat,cos I decided I would get some rest.
It wasnt so much of laziness, but sometimes, as sue ann puts it, you need to give yourself rest.
hey, it feels good to be empowered.
anyways, so i woke up the nxt day,plan to be there at 9 in time for the session, the street directory told me to stop me meng her something. so i stop there, walk up the and came to nus. hrm hrm,, so asked a few ppl, some not too sure. the only real sure one was a PRC!! (seriously, i think foreigners are better at directions here.)
so i walk walk walk, came to another junction. okay, shud be the correct one. look at some map, oh not bad, looks like this road will lead to the place! walk, walk past some students but hey the map shud be correct right? so didnt ask them. walk up and up and up and finally came to this fujifilm tech park surrounded by bushes. Oh dear.. luckily..no, thankfully, this malay man on the bike seeing me lookign lost comes over. and gives me directions. ahh.. go down.... so go down. and down and down. and since i'm so late already might as well save money and walk lah hoh,. walk and walk and walk. seriously, i kept giving little screams of frustrations. but then thought it would be a good timet to talk to God. but still very frustrated. finally, decided to take the bus. Thanks goodness i did that. There was still a loong way to go. haha and when i reach there, thank God(really) there was this couple that were late too. i think. so i could find the place cos my friends had their phones off.

hehe. so i reach there. all by the grace of God. If there was no God, I would have turned back and wasted my time.

oh there was soemthing funny said. The vocalists were givign feedback and this funny little lady suggested to the PA that the backup singers could learn to set up their own mikes. She said they feel liek bimbos sometimes jsut standing there while everyone else sets up. HAHA. then she said setting up their mikes would give them empowerment. HAHAHA.
i mean bimbos and empowerment. What doesnt make you a bimbo is empowerment. Thats why we have feminism.=D

Someone's Happy:)

Sunlight puring into my room from the open door that lets in the clean cool morning air..
I'm listening to snow patrol in peace and reading an intellectually stimulating book.(which i havent in a long long time)
Just had a run.
Maybe I'll vacuum, wash my shoes, mop, do my SWT so I wont get a zero..
But let;s not talk about homeowrk, because someone's happy.
The day is still kinda early so I don't feel rushed just yet.
Heh.
Anyways, I hope one day I'll be fit to join the order of the teaspoons, and wear one proudly on my lapel.
Go read "How to Cure a Fanatic" by Amos Oz. =)
It;s mind beguzzling sometimes thinking of wars, politics and human sin.
It's easy to think it;s futile trying to solve anything,
but sometimes,
one must be optimistic, and though you dont see the end, just work at it as if it'll be there,
although to the cynic it could never happen,
but this world i guess needs ppl who act and not blame to make the world a better place.
I want to be that,
I just have to be more optimistic and confident, though i know my human frailty may couse me to fail sometimes.
But you know what? God said, "You have been faithful in a few things, I will put you in charge of many things."
=)

The fact that I'm happy may be due to the short little retreat i had yesterday. I went for the music ministry retreat, and there was this prayer room thingy where there were 5 stations and each station was a diff theme. They were Worship Truly, Testify Faithfully, Disciple Graciously, journey Gratefully, And Inner Sanctum. Unfortunately, I could only complete the first two, cos I was running out of time. But the 2 were great. I talked so much to God, and He told me so many things=)


this was put up at the first station which I could really identify with:
Peter's Restoration

"Come and have breakfast", Jesus beckoned as Peter and the other disciples hauled the miraculous catch of fish ashore.

My heart's beating so fast I'm going to faint.
I wish He would reprimand me harshly, disown me as His disciple,
instead of being so forgiving.
No wonder Judas hanged himself. I should have done the same.

(the next part i didnt really copy but it was peter's anger with God. He knows God knows his weaknesses, but why didny God stop him from sinning if He is so powerful?)

What does He want from me now? Why does He keep on loving me and trusting me when He knows I will fail Him?

Will He still believe that I love Him too?


"Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?
"Yes, Lord. You know that I love you."
"Feed my lambs."

"Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
"Yes, Lord, you know that i love you."
"Take care of my sheep."

"Do you love me?"
"Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you."
"Feed my sheep."



I have a legacy to pass on

frustration

RARGH!!!!

i wanna scream but i can't.








off to look for a peace of heart.

4.16 am

I question my dedication to the photog society. Its 4.16 am (actually 4.17,but thats besides the point.) and i'm going through my photos to submit some for exhibition. (but I'm so not confident knowing how well photos can be..sigh) but I shouldnt have said the first line though, cos some main ppl in photog has been putting in more effort. I use to think that I was a reather loyal photog member, being present when the other's arent, but just ur presence isnt much of a support i guess.

ah well, ignore the above paragraph. Actually I dunno what to write about. LEts see, lets not talk about anything hat happened. Thats what I usually do. Let me describe how things are right now.(which I will fail as I cant write well)ahem.

My floor light(from ikea) cast a "haunting" orangey glow, but it "neutralises" the glare from my laptop screen. One drumstick is on the bed, the other on the shelf. A bag of musketeers next to me, with so many wrappers inside now. "Slivers' of cds next to me, ready to be "opened with..Koday Easyshare". That reminds me, I must get back to work. Its thursday and I think I have homework due.

Forms

I like filling up forms because it feels like I'm doing an exam that I can actually answer quite well. except if they ask me my blood type which I still don't know.

Talked to shereen just now. I seriously love that girl. Too bad she's not here. but I hope when we're old and grey we'll still be friends.



Toodles.

6 more weeks to final exams. y.a.y.li.k.e.t.o.t.a.l.l.y