beanbog: April 2006

dum,ta.dum.dum.ta.dum.ta.dum.dum.ta

shakeit.shakeit.shakeit.shakeit.shakeit.shakeit.shakeitlikeapolaroidpicture.shake.shakeit.......
i love vertical horizon. the songs bring nostalgic feelings. which i like..
i hate leaving something. leaves me nostalgic. I felt sad leaving taman negara. =(. i miss the leeches cos they were a part of it. i miss climbing cos the obstacles made me feel like i were overcoming...well, obstacles. harhar
i miss playing cards. hearts is a good game. i'm quite tired of bridge. but still i will play it. (i'm listenign to swtichfoot and i just wondered, whre is my cd??!! i hope mary took it. dont let it be lost liek my beloved and deceased coldplay cd=( )
i miss the pleasure of not havign school. i miss watchign astro. i think i just miss leaving something behind. but will i go back? maybe not. its just the memories. i wish nostalgia didnt exist. but i love it becos it makes things more beautiful.
so i came back, with some friendships made, with my messy room. and i found maggots. and it took maggots for the bathroom to be cleaned. sigh. i found brown stuff today in the shower stall. and no one knows what is it.. so somebody is lyyyingg.. and today someone "close" lied to me. i know i kinda forced him to do that. but i dunno. if he lies, i cant trust him. and i think partly i'm upset becos it shows that he thinks i'm terrible enuff to lie to me. ah well
i wanna finish my homework. i want to catch up with my studies. i want to start on my sat bks. but..innocent steps keeps stalling and i cant finish it ..

2.33am

i like blogging in the mornign.
i liek stayign up in the morning
its quiet
its private cos everone else is asleep.
but its not good mummy says.
ah well..
i'm typing my long overdue tok essay.
still at 603 words. thats 1200-603=597 words left( i did not use a calculator to calcualte that ok..)
listening to mathbox 20. if u're gone.
love, no liek that video
why do i type liek a dyslexic
oh that reminds me.
i had chest pains the other day
sharp pain, then when i breathed in, central chest cavity hurt
thought i mught be having a stroke
but read today that when u have a stroke, body parts go numb
worst thign is, i wanted it to be serious
but the thoguht of if it was really serious then ungrateful me
my classmate-khalid said it wsa becos i slept on my front
so my chest needed to expand(ahem. u. no . dirty. thoughts.)
khalid is going to give me a file made by his daddy's carpet company
its really nice- with carpet pattern on it.
hwy am i ddoing this.
i should be climbing my homework mountain.
yes... i have come to the conclusion that there will always be a homewrk mountain when doing ib.
so no social life if i want to do well...
speakign of social life.
i think i'm paranoid abt ppl labellign me with- "no social life"
hate ppl who despereately make their social life happenign,
but if i'm paranoid i guess i'm somethign like them.
or jsut that i'm conscious.concious.conscious. =)
but soemtimes i'm paranoid abt beign paranoid defending my social life.
so when i want to check out MoS i think no...
that would make me so wannabe.
then again
waht iam i thinking
am i beign paranoid?
like when she said
(my name)aaaa....how coem i hardly see u go out?
(and i think to myself):i did go out last week. its onyl u being insecure so u're trying to make it seem as if i'm the loser
then some other she said
so u went alone?
i replied u think i'm so sad enough to go alone?
wtf..u've been liek that since sch ended.
acting like ur social calender all filled up
and u hardly have time for me.
poof
whatever.
for the sake of our friendship that was so hard becos of me
i hope i'm being overparanoid and overreading btwn the lines
but i'm still glad i have other friends
no that was a bad thing to say
but i seriously feel that way
so how?
its 2.48 now. i spent 2.48-2.33=15 mins to type till now. wow.. (ididnt use a calculator to calculate that but i admit it did take me longer to mentally calcualte it than the previous sum..ah sign that my brain is slowign down. so better finish my tok essay..597 words left...but i dont think the teacher will word count it..then again he might. but its just a draft)
and g if u read this, i regret what i said but i have to say it.. if its not true tell me, even if its true i'm sorry.
but i'm paranoid
so how?

then again...

i just viewed you, and its too painful to part. but somedays...maybe not allowing ppl to comment would be better...
dotn think what youthink i mean...
and why doesnt his page load....!!

The End

Dearest beanblog,
When the dashboard page appeared i saw that u have 88 posts. what an auspicious number. however, this post will make it 89. which is really incomplete. but still, i dont think i want you anymore. u've changed and i really dont like what u;ve become. u're not personal or private anymore. its my fault. i've defeated your purpose. so yeah. u're gonna self distruct. but how?(ppl need to see this post rite?)
i shall cause you to cease to exist wheni finish my homework, which is never. maybe 26th of may, when i turn 18, and 18 is the age where magic happens i think.
till then, more shallow posts to come..

12:21 pm

my room mate just said i'm a really nocturnal. sigh. but what to do, have work to be done. i think my great mountain of undone work is soon to be gotten over with. i hope. still have that 1200 word theory of knowledge essay to write.
typing chem prac now. actually i'm blogging=p but just now i was. one of my lab partners is this girl who was from mg too. back then, she was i guess considered one of the "unique" ppl. the kind majority ostracize. i only talked to her once, and upon our first meeting she hugged me. haha i guess there was nothing wrong with that but ppl were saying that she's so weird going around hugging ppl..hmm... after that i smiled at her but as time passed i didn;t . dunno why.. was it because its just my way of not initiating the smile or just because she's weird? i think it was a bit of both. then she went to acjc and there were rumours how she was going arnd hugging the guys and stuff then she came to my sch. now she's considered weird here too from the way she acts and i guess its also its mainly becos of the rumours by ppl who knew her before. the reason why i'm blogging abt her is becos i guess i kinda regret not being nicer to her in sec sch. cos now she isn't particularly nice to me and i guess its becos i "did not recognize" her when i walk past. (was going to use ignore but thats a little harsh right?) now, sometimes when i try to smile at her and she doesnt reciprocate it i get pissed and think she now only cares abt boys or she's bitter from all the ostracizing in sec sch. Or maybe i'm just imagining stuff and all is not what it is. I always do that.

Listening to Jimmy eat world!! they rock my socks off!!harhar lame....
i'm dont have them on my playlist but i'm actually listening to the playlist of this guy which i totally am repelled by. at first i was quite creeped out when i started listening to his playlist but oh well.. harhar he has some music that i want. buti hope he doesnt find out if not he;ll freak me out even more...

i just ran 6 rounds..not make that 7 around the track just now. so thats 2.8 km..muahaha... thats very little but sigh... i dunno why, i hope its because the track is defective and its extra long cos i didnt get my pft timing last yr. (pft is physical fitness test) .lemme check-my first yr here was 14.16 mins. second yr 14.17. funny though first yr i dint practice as much and yet i did quite well..hah! today my timing was 16 mins ++ . sigh... my run will be on fri. i hope its because of the night air, or no one to pace me, or........haha. oh well. on monday, i had sit ups and shuttle run. my timing for shuttle run was the same as last yr... but ppl seem to move slower than me get shorter timings.. lol...that hurts...=D
for sit ups a lot of ppl cheat. but i've never cos of conscience lah... but this yr... sigh.. i was doing it perfectly well when the pe teacher comes over and starts counting the number of sit ups and won't be counted because i didnt do it properly!!!!! it was because my hands wasnt touching my ears, rather just next to it. blah. maybe when i sat up my hands moved further away? i give ppl the benefit of the doubt u see=p/ so i had to pause halfway to ask what the toot i was doing wrong and that took up time. by then, me and my partner last count cos of my uncountable sit ups and explanation by him. so then it was suggested i put down 32 (31 is to get an A which most ppl easily got (as u can see, i'm trying to justify myself but in the end it doesnt matter right? end justify the means(?")) haha then i said oh no what if for me( cos i'm one yr older) the no of sit ups for an A is more? then unknowingly, this "nice"=D friend of mine put 33 for me. haha. not that its a good thing, but her gesture was quite touching. anyways, i know i should have told the teacher that i want a resit(?), recount(?). but didnt think of it, haih... so i cheated myself. and dire consequence shall be mine.

at night i share better. but sigh..( i sigh a lot don't I?thanks to sam leong) now i feel inhibited. lots of private things i would like to put down, but its private.
i wish: i was better.

12.50
going to watch "tempest" har har. which is by acjc drama. but super expensive cos of their publicity. going for dinner with jeane!! goign to try out the cheap cafe recommended by chubby hubby(haha as i have no more no more money.. and my dear kind bro who doesnt spend much is gonna lend me some)(and i am not ripping of him ok, i did loan him some money in the beginning i think .)

these randomblogthings

haha.. i was extremely pleased the first one. i fancy myself to be an artsy-fartsy person. but i dont think i have the creative juices, or my perception of art is different from others. so cannot make a career out of it. but it would be really enjoyable though. dont really want to be an environmentalist as
1. its frustrating
2. no money
3. its only because i feel obliged or maybe passionate(?)

haha that band name is so... erm quirky? it sounds like the band really couldnt think of anything and well...went to blogthings to generate a name. lol.

haha and that chubby hubby thing!! coincidentally its my fav food blog, and ironically, i've never tried that flavour.. i think.. cos the only promotion fairprice has on ben & jerry's is buy 2 for 18.90. haha. and so me not being so greedy shared with my friend. agreed to let each other taste the other's flavour. but unfortunately, before she could let me have a try, someone had gobbled it all up!( theft in hostel common fridges are a norm in nygbs) so haha!!

feeels like i'm gettinga sore throat. either its from screaming at the mg st luke's concert, or because everyone else around me has been sick. argh,,,i hope it wont be painful.

oh yes, st luke's concertthis year was called expresso.i went because electrico was playing. haha so far they are the best singapore band here. but then i realised if one does not know the songs its not as enjoyable. haha. and the drummer is not as cute after all. but the bassist is very cute as in adorable but not that ugly.
i do miss being an mg girl. haha after first being repelled by the "femaleness" as in the :yin" or the "yang? which?
i miss screaming like a banshee
i miss not caring whether i am sitting standing proper(now that there are boys around)
i miss the artic cold library and its quietness
i miss putting my hands under my blouse when its cold(back then i had a pinafore underneath which helped)
i miss chapel where you could feel most of the ppl worshipping
i miss my classmates=(
i miss pe
i miss the smell of the auditorium
i miss the smell of the automatic spray in the conference room(which had a pukey smell at the back)
hargh,,,,but i dont miss procrastinating whichi am doing right now